Too Many Holiday Spirits?

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Each year when November rolls around an amazing thing happens. We all gain a lot of weight and many of us drink alcohol with wild abandon. People who rarely if ever drink during the year suddenly have voracious appetites for food and spirits. Too much of both. However, one can eat half a turkey and still get in a car and drive home. There might be a seat adjustment (removing the steering wheel from our guts) but eating 8000 calories of Thanksgiving food still gets us home---sick but safe. Drinking multiple bottles of wine and consuming fancy cocktails does not.

There are many holidays throughout the year but Thanksgiving begins a pig fest of enormous proportions. Most people I know pull out all the stops and dig through traditional family recipes with vigor and spend way too much money on these meals and work their fannies off all in an effort to make a lovely event for family and friends. Sometimes it’s a group preparation event but all too often it’s one woman working from dawn to midnight feeding hoards of people wondering if she’ll also be able to pay her utility bill when it’s all over. After we have just barely recovered from Thanksgiving it’s the steady and relentless march to Christmas and New Year’s. More food and more alcohol.

I’ve scaled back on all of this. Many years ago I gave up mall shopping and Christmas cards. I used to send out 300 cards. Now I wish everyone a Merry Christmas on the Internet via social networking, email, etc. I buy a few gifts online, I often make a few gifts, and I prepare very nice but simple meals. Granted, there are fewer of us left in the family so feeding those who remain is a lot easier. And alcohol is almost nonexistent. Maybe one bottle of very nice wine for all of us to share at one dinner. We love wine. We are Californians. I hate drunks. When I’m in charge of the meals, alcohol is minimal.

News reports each year at the beginning of the feeding frenzy warn all of us about drinking and driving. More law enforcement officers are required to be on duty than any other time of the year and they spend a large amount of their day/night looking for the drivers who had a bit too much alcohol---and they find them. Even with all the warnings about holiday drinking drunk drivers are out there by the thousands.

Some habitual drinkers have learned to take appropriate steps to get home without interruption by law enforcement. Many now take cabs to and from drinking events, some sleep over at their hosts’ homes, some buddy up and someone becomes the designated driver (which means the DDs are not allowed ANY alcohol), and some sleep it off in their cars. However, that last trick is still begging for a DUI.

Years ago on “Everybody Loves Raymond” “Deborah” went to an event and because she knew she had probably consumed more alcohol than was allowed she decided to sleep in her car until she felt she would be safe to drive. Instead, she was arrested for a DUI. No one who has consumed alcohol can sit in a car even if they are passed out unless there is a sober driver behind the wheel. Even though that seemed the sensible thing for her to do she was an inebriated person alone in a car with car keys. The assumption is that people who drink use bad judgment and though she was trying to be prudent how would she determine she was sober enough to drive? After a 30 minute nap? 60 minute nap? What would be the appropriate amount of time to pass before the remnants of alcohol no longer remained in her system making her legally able to drive? Who knows? So rather than take a chance on someone’s faulty assessment of their abilities, law enforcement considers that a DUI.

As I recall that character was not a “drinker.” In fact, many people who end up on the bad end of a DUI are casual social drinkers. A little wine with dinner, maybe a cocktail. But when I researched alcohol levels for this post I found that there are many guidelines but they are only guidelines. Most people can probably have a glass of wine with dinner and much later drive home. Apparently, not all people are that lucky. (And what size is the wine glass?) If a person has a health condition, is small and doesn’t weigh much, does not eat much of a dinner but nibbles, doesn’t drink often and has a low tolerance for stimulants of any kind, all of these people can find themselves in trouble.

One example of a typical social evening providing the inability to avoid a DUI is a nice cocktail before dinner, and a few glasses of wine with dinner. That is the classic recipe for disaster. And it is not the hardcore guy sitting at a bar chugging down drink after drink. It’s the fancy spiked Christmas punch followed by expensive holiday wines for the meal. Casual social drinkers are actually more of a problem than those guys hunkering down over a bar. Bartenders routinely call cabs for those guys and smart lawsuit-savvy bartenders cut those drinkers off. (Not just guys. Plenty of women hunker down on a barstool.)

I know many people who drink too much. These people drive all the time. If there were bounties for reporting drunk drivers I’d be wealthy. And these people know they have had too much, but they also believe they know “how to handle” their liquor and believe themselves to be great drivers. Part of alcohol enhancement is an abundance of overconfidence in one’s abilities (this includes sexual prowess, driving, being amusing, singing, dancing, and the list goes on). Police aren’t looking for people driving the wrong way at 100 miles per hour (though those people are out there). No, they find those people easily. They are, however, trained to look for the slight swerve, driving 40 mph on the freeway, making incomplete stops and coasting through intersections, too much braking, speeding up then slowing down. Those folks make up the bulk of DUI driving. Sipping a beverage while behind the wheel, any beverage, is also suspect.

When I was growing up police officers stopped people and made a face-to-face determination about a person’s alcohol level. Sometimes drivers were asked to get out of the car for a walking test. Sometimes officers interviewed the driver and upon learning the driver was on their way home they were told to drive straight home with no stops. Sometimes they were taken to the local jail to sleep it off, no arrest. Sometimes they were told to sleep it off in a parking lot and the officers would escort the driver to a safe place and drive by and check on them from time to time. This happened all the time. Sometimes officers drove intoxicated drivers home. I personally know folks in my family and circle of friends who were the recipients of these benevolent police interventions.

Those days are gone. Too many drunks have killed, maimed, and injured too many. Drinking and driving with ANY alcohol is a tremendous risk and very expensive. Depending on how bad the DUI is it can involve jail time and the loss of a license, car impoundment, and the list goes on. This isn’t the hardcore drinker, it’s you and me. We are the light social drinkers who go off the grid and get ourselves in more trouble than we ever thought possible during the holidays.

Merry Christmas----but, please----not too merry.

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Pet Surgery and Other Bad Things

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Four years ago I adopted one of my dogs knowing full well he had major dental problems. My vet and I discussed a treatment plan and we both decided to wait until he had lived with me a few months so he would be more comfortable with his surroundings. It was presumed his teeth had been bad for years prior to his arrival at the shelter. No one knew his history but it didn’t include dental care. However, someone loved this dog and treated him lovingly. He has great manners and knows a number of basic commands and is very polite and sweet. We think he may have had an older human and perhaps the human died and the family dropped him off because they didn’t want him or couldn’t have him. I wish they had taken the time to fill out an info sheet.

The vet said it would be extensive and costly the first time he did the procedure and he was right. The second time was estimated to be less stressful and less costly. It was a bit more---of both. The procedure was actually more invasive. He is the type of dog, and there are humans with this problem, who has terrible dental problems inherent to his gene pool. I’ve had friends who had root planing on a regular basis. I only have had one small area with a gum issue and after the work was performed I’ve been fine since. My poor dog.

So the first night was horrible but we are a week post-surgery and he is almost back to normal. With each day I see improvement and he is no longer on pain pills. That first night I felt I should have had pain pills too. I slept on his large dog pillow with him every night for a few days as he groaned and moaned and whimpered. He will NOT let me look in his mouth. When I attempt to look at his mouth he politely moves his head and firmly clamps his lips together. He gives me “the look.” Next week we go back for his post-surgery check-up. I can’t wait to see her try to pry his mouth open. He only has eleven teeth left so biting may not be an issue.

Two weeks before his surgery my daughter moved into a new apartment. She had belongings stored in a public storage unit and many in my garage. She lives about 20 miles away south of me now which makes visits a 40 mile round trip and I did my best to help her but then my dog had surgery and I was no longer able to help her with the stacks of boxes and debris. She is still sorting through it all because of course she had to return to work and I became a canine nurse.

Next, we discovered termites at my mom’s who lives 60 miles in the opposite direction. There’ve been inspections and appointments and phone calls and my mom doesn’t really understand any of it. We have more to go on this project. I have a gas-friendly car though.

Finally, we’ve had beautiful sunny weather so I hired someone to paint my house. First he had to deal with dry rot which was about as bad as my dog’s gum disease. The painter eventually had to enlist the assistance of his cousin, a dry rot expert, and they have been out there banging and pounding and using screeching electrical equipment for two weeks now. My little dog, the one who didn’t have the surgery, barks at them all day and I’ve given up trying to stop her. I’ve barked a time or two myself.

Many problems have occurred along the way with all these fun activities that have had to be resolved. I feel like a yo-yo. I have only missed one blog posting since I started this operation back in March of 2009 and this past week was my first week I couldn’t post anything. My head was pounding and I couldn’t think. I’m barely back to thinking.

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Moving: The Agony and the Ecstasy

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I helped my daughter move this past weekend. Prior to the move she ordered many new pieces of unassembled furniture. She also went from a two-bedroom apartment to a one-bedroom apartment but kept all her two-bedroom “things.” This post is late because I can’t straighten my fingers into typing position. I’ve been using a screwdriver for two days and lifting, tugging, pushing, shoving---and dropping---boxes. This will be a brief post.

Moving is so exciting---until the day we move. A new place to live, perhaps a new town to explore, new neighbors and potential friends to meet, all of it is so exciting until the actual move. Our family has given up on the do-it-yourself truck rentals. We did that for many years and now when we know a move is coming we save for a professional moving company.

We don’t select the large national outfits but rather local small companies with just a couple of employees. The rates are great and we always leave a nice tip. This move was the best so far because we went from a ground floor unit to another ground floor unit. Usually there are stairs. The movers were thrilled. Less agony for all. Her move this past weekend was $705 plus tip. I would have paid twice, perhaps three times as much. And yet, even though they did all that hard work we almost cried when they left. Boxes and unassembled pieces of furniture were everywhere. She must return to work tomorrow. She took two days off surrounding the weekend. I am the official furniture assembler.

This move will reduce her commute by close to an hour. That’s a tremendous savings of time in her life. But for the next few weeks she will be unpacking boxes each evening and as much as she can on weekends. She’s carefully putting things away rather than cramming it all in willy nilly. Many years of moving taught all of us in the family that doing it right from day one will save many hours of pain. Yet, it’s a tedious process and makes the unpacking a lot slower than shoving it all in cupboards and closets. She lives a good distance from me and it will not be as easy to help her out this time.

I am 66 and have moved 25 times in my life. My daughter is 36 and this is her 13^th move. I’ve included the college years because she didn’t live in a dorm and had apartments. With each apartment her possessions grew and grew. I have friends who are my age and have only moved a handful of times. Sometimes I’ve envied them except I’m very happy I’ve moved around so much. I have a huge group of friends from each location and lots of happy memories of so many different parts of the country. But the moving part is just the pits.

I can’t type anymore because my hands and fingers will not cooperate. I had a great blog planned for this weekend but it will have to wait. I think I need a nice soak in the tub with bubbles. And maybe a pound of Aleve.

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WARNING! Do not read this unless you are very brave!

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     So you think you’re brave? You must because you’re reading this even after my warning. Well, fear not. Trust me.

     Though many are wise to the ways of the Internet, there are those who are not. There are thousands of untrue and outrageous stories about celebrities and politicians and illnesses and dangerous foods and medicines and aliens and religions and the list goes on and on and on. Some stories are almost true but a few facts are altered to suit the agenda of the senders. Some are ancient and do not apply to current politicians or administrations but politicians and administrations from decades ago. Many times we read posts about our current president when a little research finds the same rumor all the way back two or three presidencies---different politician, same old rumor. Some people just pull these weird stories out to attack whoever is in office currently. The stories with partial truths get people with faulty memories then they think “Hey, I heard about that!” Yeah, twenty years ago. In France, not here.

     But the untrue and half true stories and the “fear factor” posts can actually be dangerous. A rumor about a celebrity doesn’t hit home half as much as learning that eating a tomato with salt will form a toxin that will burst an aneurism (not true, I repeat, not true). The puzzling part of this is why do people not only believe these stories but pass them on to everyone in their address books? I suppose they want to protect their family and friends but wouldn’t it be prudent to look it up first? Doesn’t salt on a tomato sound odd? For all the years people have been eating tomatoes wouldn’t that information hit the international news broadcasts? There are many websites that debunk hoaxes and weird stories. Why aren’t more of us taking advantage of these sites?

     I’ve actually been tricked a time or two. I’m guilty. Some are so well written---and so frightening---that I have clicked on “forward.” But truly I’ve only done this less than a handful of times and yet I am the recipient of them almost every day. There are so many of them it’s a wonder any of the senders ever leave their homes, ever eat anything, ever touch anything, ever bend, sit, stand, sleep, bathe, walk outside, or shop.

     If my morning news headlines state a poison bottle of aspirin was found in a store in my city I presume my neighbors and friends have read or heard about it. But throughout the course of the day I could possibly mention it when talking to anyone I know or emailing or social networking. If, however, I receive an email that someone found an ancient herb in a bottle of aspirin that causes instant blindness (not true, I repeat, not true), I do NOT pass that one on unless I look it up. Some are so ludicrous I don’t bother looking them up because I can tell they are phony. Some are so bad after two sentences I hit “delete.”

     Some of these emails are not only scary but fraudulent as well. I received two this past year: one from Bank of America and one from Wells Fargo. The Bank of America email was about my account and it warned me I was the victim of identity theft and that I needed to immediately, by return email, provide my Social Security number, credit card numbers, phone numbers, address, and many other pieces of information so that their “fraud unit” could find the culprits. Most of the email looked fairly real except the creator couldn’t spell and the grammar was, well, foreign. I contacted my bank and was given a website to report the email but was never contacted for follow-up. I think it happens all the time. The second email was similar but slicker. Again, it looked like an official Wells Fargo email but it was grammatically correct and there were no spelling errors. The one giant error that made me laugh however was the fact that I am not a Wells Fargo customer. I called Wells Fargo and was given a similar website to report the email but I asked the customer service rep a few questions and he said it was quite common. By the way, I did not use the phone numbers provided in the emails and instead looked the banks up on my own. Calling the phone number provided in the email by the person perpetrating the crime would not lend itself to resolution. I can only imagine who would be answering those phone lines!

     But those emails, though harmful and potentially disastrous, do not frighten folks quite like the scary emails about deadly interactions with salted tomatoes. Emails that threaten life or limb or our children or homes or pets must be researched. I’ve received so many emails about what we must not feed our dogs and cats that had I followed the advice my pets would starve to death. So each time I hear about another food item my pets shouldn’t eat or they will DIE I head to a hoax site and check it out. Often the information is slightly true or partly true in that some dogs have had allergic reactions to certain foods. When you check percentages it’s small. My sister is allergic to shellfish but her entire family still eats it. I have a friend who has the infamous peanut allergy but I can eat peanut butter out of the jar. It’s important to know about genuine allergens that affect many people but if only a few people are allergic to celery do we all stop eating it? I know it’s better to be safe than sorry but a little due diligence, perhaps a call to our doctors and vets (or other experts depending on the nasty email) might be better than pressing forward and never eating a tomato sandwich again. Or---it just might be a great way to take off those last 10 pounds.   

     I considered creating a scary email and sending it to everyone in my address book then sit back and see if it went viral. I finally decided not to do it because I was afraid too many people would stop eating grapes and crush the grape industry [pun intended]. My email was about eating grapes after 7 p.m., which included wine, and male performance---heh heh heh.

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Seniors in the Workplace!

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Years ago my daughter and I were shopping around Christmastime at a packed national discount store. The employees were busy and barely keeping up with questions while restocking shelves. The cashier lines were long and people were crabby. We finally finished checking out and as we headed to the door an employee stopped most customers from leaving until she checked their carts. She took their receipts and checked items off, initialed the receipts, and wished the customers Merry Christmas. When it was our turn I was stunned to realize she looked to be about my mother’s age who was at that time 75 years old.

That was 11 years ago and it stuck with me. My daughter and I talked about the woman on the way home and the fact that my mom was sitting at home in her cute little house sipping coffee and reading the paper while this woman stood by a large automatic door that blasted her with frigid air with each customer exit. The woman looked tired and though there was a chair near her station it was such a busy day I doubt she had much time to sit down.

I remember saying something stupid to my daughter that I regret to this day: “What a shame that poor woman couldn’t be home sipping coffee and reading the paper instead of working here.” This foolish statement was based on emotion and not on any facts whatsoever. I knew nothing about this woman but made a judgment based on my own parents. I have changed my thinking on this issue now that I am 66 years old.

After that incident, and long before I retired, I began informally interviewing seniors when I encountered them in the workplace and this past year I stepped the research up a notch so that I could share my findings via this post.

The economy 11 years ago was heading toward the mess it is today but it was not nearly as bad and I wasn’t an official “senior” then. I was, however, on that borderline where I could get a few discount meals at some restaurants at 55 years old. I didn’t understand the complexities of what seniors experienced and what their needs and desires were. My only true experience was that of my parents and my grandmother.

I still have a wonderful memory of Grammy reading western novels in her special chair, a chair that I have in my home today. She worked in canneries and as a maid and as a seamstress and as a cook in large homes from the time she was a young girl but eventually moved in with my parents and retired at 65 and had a pleasant and long retirement with a $98 Social Security check each month until her passing at 91.

My naiveté at the discount store finally awakened reality in me. Not all seniors are created equal. Where would Grammy have been on $98 a month without my parents? (Probably standing next to a freezing door at a discount store.) Did the woman at the discount store have family or friends to live with? Did she choose to work there or did she need to work there?

My first “official” interview out of the roughly one hundred over the last year was at my local pharmacy. I’ve observed and chatted with a senior woman who has worked there for many years. Once we had a discussion at the checkout counter about garden gnomes which she collects. Extracting information like this is easy if it is approached with a friendly attitude and prying isn’t necessary. People like to chat, especially seniors. Seniors are sadly often ignored by younger folks. I learned that from another interview which I’ll share in a moment.

I learned this woman lives less than a block from the pharmacy in a senior apartment complex. She has a nice group of friends there and they take public transportation around town to various events and have get-togethers at the complex and she seemed to have a pleasant life. Eventually I gently asked if she “had” to work or did she “choose” to work. Her response was somewhat typical of many I have talked to: both.

Many of the seniors I’ve interviewed, including members of my own family and friends, continue to work because without the extra income they would not be able to participate in any activities. Their pensions or Social Security cover the basics but there is nothing left for trips to town or the movies or dinners out with friends. I met many seniors in this category. One gentleman told me that when he got up and prepared for work he felt every bone and muscle in his body but after he got going and got to work he felt okay. He wasn’t sure that he would be in such good shape if not forced to go to a job each day. He didn’t feel he had the willpower to stay at home and do an exercise routine or socialize. Working kept him “in the world” and helped his stiffness. He explained many of his nonworking neighbors were not doing as well as he was and they were a lot younger. So though he enjoyed the extra income, he enjoyed being productive more.  

     He also commented on how out of touch many of his neighbors were with other age groups. He encountered every age at work (home and garden super store) and many sought his advice because of his age. As I mentioned earlier though, he said that some younger customers did not want his advice when offered and he often saw them with younger staff members. He was discounted as a valuable resource to the younger set. Sometimes he followed them a bit until in desperation they finally had to ask him for help. He thought this was quite funny because he once ran a construction crew. When they realized what this man had to offer they would frequently visit the store and track him down like a pack of wolves.

     Once at a restaurant with friends we were served by a very senior woman. Waiting tables is not for the weak or the feeble. Both my kids worked in restaurants in college and my parents had a small restaurant. It’s grueling work and there is indeed a mental component. Managing several tables and coworkers and crabby cooks is tough work. It’s not often we see seniors in this work environment but here she was. Because we were close to her age we struck up a fun conversation with her throughout the meal which was expertly served to us. I asked how long she had worked there and she said “too many years.” We all laughed and made comments and I expressed she seemed to like her work and that she was excellent at it. She loved her job and said she was going to continue as long as possible. She added that tips for seniors were generous.

     A few people I have talked to, and a few seniors I know personally, have continued to work because they have to. Life events occurred (and questionable investing) that set them back as they approached retirement. Of this group most did not continue with their original jobs but instead sought employment elsewhere and often with entirely different duties. Partly this was because employment choices are slim for seniors and party because they didn’t want to remain with their former employers. In fact, many seniors felt their long time employers were equally eager to have them leave.

     A few people I’ve met during this past year have asked me questions too. How I was able to retire at 62 is a popular question. For me, and hundreds of thousands like me, I sacrificed better income in the private sector for the benefit-loaded but less pay public sector which included years of excellent pension build up and health care. Though my employer does not pay retiree health care I do have a nice pension for my 20 years and now that I’m 66 I’m able to pay for a decent supplement with my Medicare. Of the people who asked that question a large number were horrified to find themselves in their sixties with no savings and no pension and a spotty work history with periods of unemployment for women who took time off with their young children and they now find themselves in a bad spot. Some said they would have to move in with their adult children if they stopped working but not all of these people felt that to be a viable option. One woman told me she has held off moving in with her son and daughter-in-law, though she has been invited, because she would be a 24/7 babysitter. She loves her grandkids but she didn’t want that responsibility on a daily basis. Still, many seniors have no choice. It’s better than living under a bridge.

     Speaking of homeless seniors, I didn’t spend as much time with this group as the working group because my focus was on seniors in the workplace. Walking up to a homeless person in my spiffy casual attire made me self-conscious. Of course, I did include them because I was interested in knowing how they became homeless. They were living in shelters because they either didn’t have a family or other support group, their Social Security was only enough to cover food and medications but not housing, and because many were so poorly educated and marginally employed over the course of their lives they found themselves edged out of meager minimum wage jobs and eventually edged out of their apartments. Many I talked to did want to work but after observing their appearance and their improbable contributions to a workplace I knew that was never going to happen. (I almost always give a few dollars to homeless seniors and anyone with a dog. Judge not lest ye be judged.)

     I met these people outside grocery stores and gas stations and coffee shops as they stood outside with little signs asking for money. I know a lot of people don’t believe people with their little signs but it’s important to know that not everyone is a con artist. There are people asking for money on the street who genuinely need money for survival who are simply at the bottom of the human barrel. It’s everywhere in the world but it’s appalling to find it in our country. And every day more and more people join the ranks of the unemployed and homeless and very little is said about the growing number of seniors joining this group.

     We are created equal but we don’t stay that way. Because of circumstances beyond our control or poor life choices based on inadequate parenting in our youth, many of us end up in dire straits. Add to that the mentally incapacitated, the addicts, the illiterate, and those born into poverty that stay there their entire lives, it’s no wonder that some seniors continue to work as long as possible.

One man who is often at my regular gas station collects enough money to stay in a “hotel” two or three times a month and the remaining days he stays at shelters or stays outside. He looks a lot older than my mom but he could be younger than I am. The streets are not kind to seniors.

     A friend and coworker of mine, pushing 80, passed away at home one night after a routine day AT WORK. For years we wondered when he would retire but we eventually realized he would never retire. I was the first one in the office each day and I would quickly travel up and down the hallway and check all the offices looking for him. I feared the day I might find him slumped over in his chair but he died peacefully in a comfy chair in his own home after a normal day at work. Though he never benefitted from the beautiful retirement he had coming to him after years of working and investing, we all knew he died doing what he loved: working. It kept him young and provided the office with many years of valuable expertise on many subjects.

     Of the folks I met only a few were disappointed they still worked. Those people, I learned, were the ones who had health problems that made working uncomfortable, or people who had simply worked “hard” for many years and were truly tired. The majority of the people I chatted with needed the money and the next largest group needed the mental stimulation and the rest fell mostly in the middle of “need” and “want.” The most important lesson I learned was seniors are a feisty bunch and they can contribute to the workforce for a very long time if, as one gentleman said, “God’s willin’ and the creek don’t rise.”    

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Mom's Medical Alert System

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Mom, at 86, is still living on her own, marginally. My stepdad is in a nursing home. They live about an hour from me and I drive north once or twice a week (or more sometimes) to visit, run a few errands, help with whatever she needs in the house, and we discuss her bookkeeping which I handle mostly from my home. She has a helper who also stops by a couple times of week who does light housekeeping, errands, and provides companionship for four hours each visit. Though mom’s various health and mental issues are increasing, mom insists on staying in her house. She has more confidence in her abilities than I do.

I don’t blame folks for wanting to stay in their homes but inevitably there seems to come a time when that doesn’t work for them---or their families. They often do not realize how far they have fallen. I believe that’s where we are now but mom just doesn’t agree. She knows she’s limited and in fact no longer leaves her home unless it’s to visit the doctor and I take her to all her appointments. If she has an urgent but nonemergency need she calls her helper. She also has wonderful neighbors. But I became increasingly more worried about her declining health and whether or not she would be able to summon help in an emergency and felt it was time for something else.

I spent several days researching medical alert systems. I called friends with similar parent issues. I discussed the systems with my mom. She didn’t argue the need but I could tell she didn’t feel it was necessary. Prior to researching systems my stepsister and her husband and I had a long talk with mom and urged her to move in with me. She wouldn’t budge.

I finally found a system that worked well for mom and that was within her budget. Set up was very easy and she understands how it works. The system does not only protect her in the event of a health emergency but is also a fire alarm, burglar alarm, or any type of emergency she may have. She knows it’s for all emergencies. If she remembers.

Each time I visit her I ask to see her emergency button which she keeps concealed in her clothing. For some reason she refuses to wear it outside like a necklace. I am afraid if she falls on her chest she will not be able to pull it from inside her clothes. She refuses to wear it outside because she says it isn’t attractive.

Sometimes when I ask to see the button she looks at me and I can tell she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Once it sinks in she pulls it out then we have about a 30 minute discussion of its uses and review what she needs to do if she has any emergencies. Sometimes I have faith she “gets” it and other times I drive home in a blue funk.

     A friend of mine has a mom in the same situation. She’s 93 and still lives on her own and refuses to move in with family. Again, I don’t blame her but we all worry about our parents living on their own when they have mental and physical limitations. She now has a medical alarm system which provides a little peace of mind for my friend and her family.

     Many seniors do not eat properly because meal preparation is difficult. I cook for mom and so does her helper but I find the meals I’ve prepared in the fridge all the time---uneaten. When I ask why she doesn’t eat them she says she does. The trash can tells a different story. Mostly she survives on cheese and crackers, breakfast pastries, coffee and wine. I believe it’s because she doesn’t want to take the few minutes necessary to place a meal in the microwave. We’ve tried to make it as easy as possible but even that simple procedure is unappealing to her. When I visit I buy a special lunch treat for us. Recently after eating our lunch she asked me when I was going to get our meal. We had eaten only an hour before. Her doctor was stunned at her weight gain on our last visit. She confessed she eats crackers and cheese and pastries. He shot me a look. It’s my fault?

     Her care providers all think I should move in with her. Abandon my life and store all my belongings and sell or rent out my house. I have explained that it would be better for her to come and live with me since I live an active life. But they make me feel that’s a selfish concept. After all, I’m not married. They would never ask this of a married couple but single people are considered less than whole without a mate and therefore apparently our lives are less important. Guilt piled upon guilt.

     The medical alert system will work if she has an emergency but it can’t cook her a meal. It can’t remind her to take her medications which she forgets all the time now. It can’t encourage her to do her daily exercises to treat her lung condition. It can’t help her find things that she misplaces all day every day (and calls me and asks if I know where they are). It can’t visit with her. If she has an emergency it will help her---if she remembers it or can access it. Still, I’m glad I set it up for her and all the rest just sits in a cloud over my head and I jump when the phone rings. The system operators will call me once it’s activated after they contact the appropriate help for her emergency.

     I do feel better knowing she has the system and I call her every day and remind her about it---and her meds. I don’t know how kids with failing parents manage when they live hundreds of miles away. I’ve made many 80 mile-per-hour dashes north when things have gone wrong. I guess other kids hop on planes or trains. I guess there’s no easy solution for caring for a parent but there are things that can help. A medical alert system has helped me a little though it’s not cheap. There are many other things that would help but they are outside our budget. Having a helper visit twice a week and the alert system are both tight budget items.

     Yet I have come to realize that all I can do is offer my help and I put handles in the bathroom and a special bathing chair in the tub and a handle on the small step that leads to her family room and purchased a transport style wheelchair for trips to the doctor and a small walker (which she never uses) and the medical alert system and found a stool so she can sit by the sink when preparing food (the aforementioned crackers and cheese and pastries) and call her every day, and sometimes a couple of times if I think she’s “foggy” I make an extra trip north if I think the fog isn’t lifting and keep in contact with neighbors and her helper and leave my phone on 24/7.

I don’t have to worry about mom reading this because she no longer remembers how to turn on her computer. When I turn it on for her she doesn’t remember any of the steps required to read her email or look at the news or read my blogs. But even if she did read this blog she would agree with what I’ve written. We discuss her “issues” each visit so this piece would not surprise nor offend her. But I’m not worried because the last time I was there her computer hadn’t been plugged in and the battery was dead. I just left it that way to see if she would call and ask me what was wrong with it. No call yet.

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Are you swayed by debates?

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The short answer is---unlikely. Naturally, it’s complicated so I did a little research. I also searched within my own mind because my core beliefs are so deep I can’t remember ever---ever---ever changing one. However, I have changed my opinion on many other things in life.

Whether or not someone likes mustard on a hot dog and another likes ketchup is not part of this process. Over the years as I’ve matured my taste buds matured, my interest in certain books and movies has matured, my taste in colors has changed from earth tones to bright primary colors, and the like. Those likes and dislikes are simple daily pleasures or annoyances and can be easily changed or not but whatever we decide we can manage without angst. No, this post is about the big stuff: religion, politics, social issues, lifestyle choices, feelings about addictions, marriage, child rearing, and countless other issues that can turn a person to putty when challenged.

When we hear the word “debate” it’s usually in connection with elections, especially as of late. However, we debate issues all the time, every day, all over the world. We even debate with our children. It doesn’t matter that we are the parents and they are the children. The debates explode and can sometimes create horrible barriers to harmonious family lives. Some family debates end up with years of family feuding. And let’s not forget the Hatfields and McCoys!

Office debates are similar but continuation of employment usually brings folks to some sort of compromise---but not always. Of course, the outrageous outcomes we read about in the news are not what most of us experience. Still, some of the people who bring guns to work often get that way because of disputes and unresolved issues and debating who is right or wrong. Arguing with people who have fragile mental control is dangerous we have all learned.

But the type of debate I’ve been thinking about recently is the political debate. In my entire 66 years I have never changed my opinion about any person due to their debate expertise, pro or con. In fact, even if they are not very good at debating sometimes they get their point across so debate style is highly overrated. I personally don’t care if someone is a pro at debating. That’s something that can be learned. It’s a skill one develops in politics and some learn it better than others. Some, like Ronald Reagan, join politics already highly skilled in speech-giving even though most of what he spoke about ran shivers of absolute horror up my spine. It didn’t matter because he was handsome, charming, and could talk the sugar off the cookie (i.e., a sweet talker). The fact he didn’t prepare his platform and was a mouthpiece was lost on the naïve populace because of his excellence in appearance and presentation. But not me. Nor anyone in my camp.

So if someone as expert as Ronald Reagan couldn’t change my political position it is unlikely all these Johnny-come-latelys are going to and none of them hold a candle to Ronald Reagan. I’ve listened to a few of these debates, bits and pieces, but mostly I prefer watching the various analyses after the debates. The part I find particularly amusing is the TV screen split into four parts and each head screams and interrupts the other talking heads. It’s better than a late night comedy show. And they are all full of hot air. There are serious commentators and analysts to be found on TV, but good luck finding them.

I don’t get a lot of my news from TV, nor do I get much of anything from TV, but I like to search the internet for news and that’s where I’ve found detailed blow by blow analyses of the various debates and interviews. Though I always state that my political leanings are slightly to the left of Jesus, I do look for people with opposing views who do not spew filth and hate and lies and there are many out there I respect. I don’t particularly have a “side.” When it comes to politicians I don’t believe or trust any of them nor anything they say. Instead, I dig in and look it all up myself. It’s so easy to do and when I am discussing events with people it’s disheartening that a) they often do not know what I’m talking about, and/or b) they believe whatever B.S. they hear if it’s related to their “party.”

So when these huge debates hit the airwaves with the beautifully crafted and designed background TV “sets” and candidates dressed in their finest with slicked backed or coiffed hair it’s an impressive sight. They appear bigger than life and represent, supposedly, the best of humanity. People who are devoting their lives to public service. In reality, regardless of political party, they are self-promoting, opportunistic, charlatans who are purposely duping the citizens with razzle dazzle speech writers and speeches often filled with pure malarkey.

When this happens it’s not too dangerous if the speakers are bad at delivering speeches or carefully crafted responses that they can’t quite spit out, but when we see a pro, such as Ronald Reagan, it is our responsibility---our duty---to ferret out the information on our own. Too little of this is done to the detriment of our political system. Too many times people believe what is said and only days later do we learn the candidates sheepishly apologize and say they didn’t mean that exactly, what they really meant to say was . . .

We have become a very confrontational society. It’s appalling to watch news “shows” with guests pontificating on their opposite views and the commentators barely hanging on to control. Add to that the several seconds of delayed feed in case someone uses the “F” bomb then it makes a huge mess and my chest hurts.

But whether we want to participate in the debauchery of debates (that just sort of rolled off the tongue) or we would rather spend a little time digging into candidate voting records (all easily obtainable and reliable on official public sites) and digging into their bios, and digging into both sides of issues important to us, is all up to us. But if we don’t do the research we should probably not pontificate on our views otherwise we could make fools of ourselves.

My mantra is: don’t believe everything you see or hear. Check it out and make sure opposing views are part of your research. You won’t change your mind about your core beliefs but you will know if your candidate is really who you want. There are people out there, somewhere, with your views who are actually smart and honest. Not too many but there may be a few. I’m still looking for folks with my views but most of them are dead.

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Are you poor?

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Are you poor? Socio economic levels are measured in a variety of ways and by various groups of people. Government statisticians, private research groups, entities interested in particular segments of society, and so forth. From country to country and culture to culture it can mean vastly different things to information gatherers. Sometimes the results are critical to assist people in dire need of help. Sometimes the results appeal to product marketing. Yet, what is “poverty” beyond the numbers assigned to that group? When do the “poor” slip into official “poverty” or are the two terms the same? Researchers do know millions are not counted at all. They fall between the cracks.

I grew up in a home that by today’s standards would be considered poor. It was after WWII and everyone lived like we did, mostly. We never reached middle class the entire time I lived at home. My dad died at 38 and only after my mom remarried many years later did she finally arrive at what we might call “middle class.” I was grown then and on my own.

Sadly, my stepdad has been in a nursing home for about eight years and by some standards today at age 86 mom might be considered poor---again. Not at a poverty level but poor. She doesn’t think so when she compares how she lives to the rest of the world. In fact, she feels comfortable compared to most of her previous life, the part before and after I was born. Her life didn’t change to a more comfortable level until she met and married my stepdad and they combined incomes. My stepdad has a pension and so she remains at home living somewhat independently, but modestly.

When raising my own kids as a divorced mom I had many hilarious conversations with other divorced moms. Our kids all thought we were poverty stricken because none of us single parents could match the consumption level of two-parent families. Designer jeans, trendy colorful watches, snazzy sneakers, and the like. Fortunately, there were no electronics nor cell phones in those days. Those items slowly crept into our lives around the time my kids were grown, thankfully. I didn’t own a home after the divorce and it was challenging to find rentals in nice neighborhoods that I could afford. But I did. I spent three-quarters of my income on housing to keep us safe. I didn’t think I was poor but most of my friends did which I didn’t learn until many years later. They have often told me how sorry they felt for us. I guess when you are living in “the moment” labels aren’t significant. I kept us housed and fed. I didn’t think then---and still don’t think---that’s poor. Statistics gatherers do, however, because my spending did not match the middle class norm. I was a statistic and didn’t know it!

We had limitations two-parent families didn’t have. We had normal home amenities, a modest car that got us from Point A to Point B, and pizza and a video every Friday night. Still, our disposable income was disposed of rapidly. I had a decent job and paid the bills. That isn’t poor but it isn’t the middle class dream. I went to night school for five years and that helped some with a promotion at work but it was too little too late and soon the kids were gone. By the time I started earning more the kids were on their own.  

My dad had employment issues when I was growing up and he died young and it was hard on my mom so she worked in a cannery at night so she could be with me during the day time. My grandmother lived with us and she worked alternate shifts to cover time when my mom was gone. Due to employment depression my dad developed alcohol problems which is common. He dropped out of high school at 16 to join the Navy during World War II like many men in his era. Many veterans returning from war---then and now---are poorly educated, untrained, and almost unemployable. He eventually moved the family and bought a small business but it was sadly too late for his declining health and he passed away before he could realize his dream.

When dad found employment it didn’t last long but while it did our standard of living skyrocketed. I can pinpoint the times he was employed by memories of huge family dinners and long drives and picnics and new purchases for the family. But there were many more dim times without the skyrockets. I had no idea we were considered poor.

Poor families are defined by percentage of their consumption as applied to their income. I learned while researching this piece that technically "relative poverty" means having significantly less access to income and wealth than other members of society. That was us growing up and for many years for my own kids. I’m glad I didn’t know that then.

Poverty is also defined demographically and by race, by family status, age (seniors who lived relative comfy lives before retiring are often plunged into poverty because of housing and poor health care coverage), and other factors. Some folks slip from the middle class to poverty almost overnight with the loss of a job, divorce, illness, death of a primary family earner, and sometimes natural disasters. This happens in a healthy economy and is devastating in a poor economy.

The most important factors in determining if people are poor or living in poverty is whether or not they have adequate housing and most importantly adequate food (which is why I never thought I was poor because I always had adequate---albeit modest---housing and food). Some studies narrow that consideration to food only. Homeless people living in certain areas have access to food banks and kitchens. Some homeless people have poor access and some no access whatsoever. Some can’t access it if it’s staring them in the face due to mental health issues.

Today more than ever in history, including the “great depression,” we have the “working poor” who are homeless. They have menial jobs they go to each day which might pay for a few items but they live in shelters or on the street. This group often includes families.

An office I worked for adopted a room in a shelter many years ago. This shelter provided emergency housing for families who lost their homes via foreclosure, eviction, job loss, death of a wage earner, etc. As an adoptive “parent,” we provided goods and cash to the shelter to outfit the rooms with furniture, clothing for a variety of sizes and ages, mattresses, toiletries, diapers, blankets, and so forth. During the time the families stayed in these rooms at the shelter counselors worked with them to find permanent housing, employment, got the kids back in school, and generally counseled the entire family and attempted to get them back on their feet. Sometimes large families would occupy one small room. But they were happy to be there and off the streets. They had nutritious meals and they were safe. Many shelters can no longer manage the huge numbers that have come to them for help. Donations have evaporated along with jobs and housing.

Poverty can alter behavior. Poor nutrition can alter behavior. Being cold 24 hours a day can alter behavior. Being covered with lice and living with rats can alter behavior. Being sick can alter behavior. Being scared can alter behavior. Being poor can turn some to criminal acts. Being poor can turn some people violent. Being so poor school isn’t an option is a disaster waiting to happen.

We have 14 million unemployed who have lost everything. That number will soon grow with the estimated 2 million foreclosures expected in California alone in 2012 and the promise of jobs may be too late for some. In addition to the number of people entering poverty statistics, crime statistics, especially opportunistic thievery like home break-ins and muggings and drug use, will increase proportionately. Besides being sad, it’s downright scary.  

B.P. and mortgage finance institutions and corporations moving abroad and/or outsourcing have destroyed huge parts of the world yet some people are mad because a few protesters have befouled public parks. That’s a disconnect that feeds the downward spiral of life as we know it (or knew it) in our country. Dr. King had the same concerns with a few protesters but he didn’t give up the movement because of the actions of a few. He pressed on.

Trick or treat.

[Note: Here’s a link that says it far better than my feeble attempt.]

http://whatever.scalzi.com/2005/09/03/being-poor/

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Occupy S.F. March of 10/15/11

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Not all foreclosures have occurred via unsavory people in the home finance industry. A growing number have lost their homes because they lost their jobs either by “downsizing” or company bankruptcies or closures or outsourcing or other questionable corporate practices. Some corporations have taken millions in government loans and then filed bankruptcy and told everyone to hit the road.

Some people have lost their homes due to fraudulent lending practices AND the loss of employment---a combo. Foreclosures are still growing and it is anticipated we haven’t seen the end of it. Another huge number of them will take place in 2012. Without employment and a decent home millions of us are suffering solely due to financial malfeasance created by corporations/Congress. And so I joined the Occupy S.F. movement last weekend with my son. What a tremendous experience. It was glorious!

We got up early and took the ferry to San Francisco. I live about 60 miles north of the city. Parking is always a problem so we chose the ferry. The movement was stationed near the Ferry Building so in a hop, skip, and a jump---there we were. When we arrived at the “camp” we were surprised it was such a small group. However, we soon learned these were the permanent bunch of people truly occupying space with sleeping bags and food stations and port-a-potties and sign making stations and information “booths” and lecture podiums and the like. I was taken back to the ‘60s and I loved it. In fact, it was glorious.

Most of the people we met were not around in the ‘60s for the great Viet Nam marches and the marches with Dr. King. But I was and I participated then and was happy to see Americans fighting for Americans all over again. Also a little sad to realize that we have to fight again. I guess maintaining our Constitution is a lifelong ongoing process. The minute our “leaders” decide to interpret the Constitution the average American starts getting cheated out of the promise so we must take to the streets from time to time to set them straight. I’m absolutely thrilled that we can---otherwise we would be living in North Korea. I don’t think any of us want that. I thought about North Korea a lot during that Saturday event. Shivers ran down my spine. When people complain about protestors they should spend a couple of months in a country where protesting isn’t allowed. They will find it’s life altering, like, you know, death.

The movement “headquarters” was in front of the Federal Reserve Bank and everyone there calmly went about their assigned tasks before the big march. Some took naps, some chatted with the police officers who were stationed there, others ran food runs and brought back food and beverages to share, and others started speeches and small groups would appear and listen. We stood there and chatted with people for a few hours until everything magically changed. Suddenly, excitement filled the air.

The parade was scheduled to begin at 3:00 p.m. Up till around 2:30 not too much had changed in the group we had joined then a huge mass of people started arriving and we all spilled out into the streets. At 3:00 p.m. the march began. It was spectacularly organized by both the police and protest leaders. They worked hand in hand and it was no easy task. They had expected several hundred and instead several thousand had appeared. The organizers were grinning ear-to-ear. Switching crowd control methods on the spot must have been daunting and yet it went off without a hitch. It was glorious.

Participating in huge events where there is the possibility of being crushed by a surging crowd has never been a favorite activity of mine. Sporting events, concerts, parades, huge public forums, all have had terrible things go wrong. Crowd crushing is a serious concern without expert organization. But soon we were underway and there was a calm presence throughout the event and no pushing, shoving, or aggression by anyone---including the police presence.

There were many officers assigned to the march to protect us, the marchers, and the traffic and people just shopping and walking on the sidewalks who were not part of the protest. Amazingly, as we progressed many tourists and locals joined the march and every time they did the crowd roared with excitement. Soon we had roughly six thousand marchers. Cable cars rang their bells keeping time with our chants. It was glorious. (How many times can I say it was glorious?) It was glorious.

As expected at any large event, the march was filled with the good, the bad, and the disappointing. Many homeless people live in San Francisco and some tried to join us but failed due to poor health and mental issues that were sadly all too apparent. They did not present a problem that day but I understand they have been a problematic presence at all the “Occupy” camps and then shown on the evening news as problem people as though they are part of the movement. It’s natural for them to gravitate to the people camping out and I’m sure many hope to find food and companionship. It can be a problem with people with addictions and mental disorders. However, the Occupy group is a humane organization and they turn no one away, even if the people are detrimental to the true mission. (And actually, homelessness and the mentally challenged are part of the human movement every day.)

We hear many negatives about hygiene problems and trouble makers at some of the camps and some have been torn down but it’s mostly due to people who are not true to the movement but just people who need help with so many personal issues. So Occupy must constantly move and keep some semblance of organization for the big events they plan for. Not easy. It’s been an age-old problem with all demonstrations. Or people who beat people in the parking lots of our major sporting events. Those people do not represent the entire group of sports spectators just as a few difficult people do not represent the Occupy movement.

I wrote this piece because I hear negative comments about people who protest, that they are un-American, that they are not patriotic, that they are Communists, etc. It is, in fact, the very epitome of being a true American. People who fight like hell either in or out of uniform to keep our country strong and free from takeover by foreign interests and out of control government and corporate shenanigans. We are drowning on all fronts and we need to stand up and fight for ourselves and our way of life because our government has let us down.

Along with the problem people that cling to these types of events there are inevitably “plants,” people who are placed in the events to spy, to cause trouble deliberately to appease a personal agenda or an opposite point of view, and even government infiltration. Government plants may not be evil in design but just used to make sure no one is toting a bomb or some nasty device designed to hurt people. I thought about that all day as I marched along and wondered how many people were not true members of the movement but, well, spies. It was starting to make me uncomfortable so I stopped that line of thinking. I think I’ve watched "MI-5" too much, the wonderful British series about spies and the nastiness of it all.

     Movements sometimes shoot themselves in the foot. The good intentions take on monstrous out of control proportions with no control and before long we end up with power mongers fighting power mongers. None of this was apparent at this gathering. In fact, the leaders were easily identifiable and they were continuously working crowd control and smiling and encouraging people to move left or right and at one point we were asked to slow down so that the stragglers in the very back could catch up, people in wheelchairs and people with kids and strollers. It was a family event. It was glorious.

     Not long after the march began my son and I took inventory and noticed the participants were mostly middle class types, diversely represented. Many wore suburban style clothing, brought their kids and dogs, and had picnic totes. Many times we fell into brief conversations with one another and overheard conversations and a majority of the people there had lost their jobs and homes. Typical middle class folks who had lost it all. Add to that the chronically unemployed and it quickly jumps to millions of disenfranchised Americans. Hence, the popularity of this movement. If you haven’t lost a home or a job you probably know someone who has. I do.

It is my understanding that the Tea Party movement has similar issues as far as why members join their protests and events. Americans who have lost everything---or are worried they will---are clinging to the Tea Party or the Occupy movement for help and answers. All movements open to anyone must be ever vigilant to make sure the movement and its beliefs are not violated. Many have compared the Occupy movement with the Tea Party in that both groups have been infiltrated with people who have very different agendas. It’s the price we pay to have our voices heard and we must simply pay attention to people around us. For the most part, both groups do want the same things but are going about it somewhat differently with different goals and expectations. Everyone is spying on everyone but we shouldn’t allow that situation to deter us from our goal: peaceful, passive, civil disobedience.

1. Passive Resistance: Opposition to a government or to specific governmental laws by the use of noncooperation and other nonviolent methods, boycotts, and protest marches. 

2. Civil Disobedience: The refusal to obey certain laws or governmental demands for the purpose of influencing legislation or government policy characterized by the employment of such nonviolent techniques as boycotting, picketing, and nonpayment of taxes.

3. Anarchy: Absence of any form of political authority. Political disorder and confusion. Absence of any cohesive principle, such as a common standard or purpose.

     Choice number 3 is not what protesting is all about. Nor should it be. There were those who made changes for humanity without anarchy. Jesus, Gandhi, and Dr. King were very successful with passive resistance and civil disobedience. They all gave their lives for the people they served and loved. (Saddam Hussein, Moammar Gadhafi, and Kim Jong Il---not so much.)

We must not forget the sacrifices of our great leaders and always fight to protect those who are not able---or not willing---to fight for what is right. It’s who we are.

[For more information on the great “1967 Spring Mobilization Against the War in Viet Nam” click on the link and further links with additional information will appear!

http://www.vietnamwar.net/SpringMobilization.htm

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