Lost Teddy Bears

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We’ve all watched the sad news. Tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, fires, floods. Terrible loss of life and property. Some will recover, others never will. Most people interviewed are grateful to be alive and that they have their families. Many have lost families and friends. All say they don’t care about their “things,” that they are just glad to be alive.  

A follow-up story on the victims of the tornadoes not long ago focused on a woman who sat on her front porch, or what was left of it. She was still stunned and not sure what was in her future but she assured the reporter she was grateful to be alive. Something about that woman has haunted me ever since. I can’t stop thinking about her and I finally figured out why.

She was an older woman, probably hadn’t worked for many years, and seemed fragile. She may not have been fragile before the tornado but certainly was after. She looked around at the empty space where her home once stood and her eyes just said it all. She lost everything and she was possibly in her 80s and now what?

After the recent storms and fires and earthquakes and so forth I took a stroll around my house and property. I looked at what I’ve accumulated in the sixteen years since I’ve been in my house and was surprised to see what I’ve accomplished when looking at it all with a new “eye,” with the old woman’s eye. I looked around my little share of the planet as she looked around her spot during that report and tried to see what she saw.

Most of what I have is comprised of furnishings, indoors and out, and the basics needed to live in a home. Most of that can be replaced over time with insurance and a bit of budgeting. However, what about our keepsakes? I know that’s what she was thinking. “What about all my little memories and photos and keepsakes?” If she wasn’t, I was thinking it for her.  

I have a photo collection comprising 100 years of family photos. Last year I put them all on disks which took about six months, many hours a day. I wore out my scanner. Each was placed in a chronological group and when each group was organized I made DVD movies with music of the accompanying era. I have 33 DVDs, numbered, labeled, and stored, along with 33 matching .jpeg disks. With the separate .jpeg disks I can select a photo I want to share or print easily. When I finished the task I was struck with how valuable all of the photos and movies were---our family history. Of my belongings they are the most precious to me. Along with those disks I have a few albums, one presented to me by my mom a few years ago. I also scanned that album into the collection but the album is in my bookcases with a few others.

After this project I made copies of it all and gave an entire set to each of my kids and a set to my mom. I did that so they would be able to view the collection but also for safekeeping. I can’t imagine losing those precious photos and if something happened to my home I know that I have them safely tucked away elsewhere. It’s a huge relief.

But that’s not all. I have an enormous music collection spanning almost my entire life. All of it has been placed on my computer and portable digital player with a few exceptions---a closet full of cassette tapes and CDs. I know I can buy equipment that will transfer those old formats but I haven’t started yet. The collection is too large for me to grab in the event of an emergency though hopefully I can grab my computer. You never know what is going to happen and perhaps I wouldn’t be home.

Naturally I have all the important papers we all have and important computer files and all my original drafts of my three published novels. How do we get those back? We don’t mostly. I suppose I could store some of these items offsite but I’d want to duplicate those items too and place them---where?

But as I strolled around what really got to me was the little keepsakes tucked here and there. Plaster handprints of the kids’ tiny hands in kindergarten, knickknacks my grandmother gave me that she received as wedding gifts, fun birthday gifts from friends I’ve gotten over the years, an afghan my grandmother made for me, a collection of house plants, some older than my kids, a few pieces of costume jewelry that are not worth anything except sentimental value, art that means the world to me, much of it created by my sister and in particular a piece she painted for the cover of my first book, and the list goes on.

At some point as we recover from a disaster we will think of all of those lost things. One by one, day by day, these treasures will creep into our consciousness. We may be grateful we are alive but we will be in mourning for some of those things that can never be replaced. We won’t mourn our sofas or chairs (unless it’s the rocker we rocked our babies in), we won’t mourn our electronics (except for the files contained in them), we won’t mourn lamps (unless they are family heirlooms), tables (unless it’s the table we grew up with and carried carefully with us everywhere we moved in our adult lives), and countless other items that we may forget momentarily while immediate issues present but may haunt us for a very long time as we move to our new futures.

For me, of all the “things” I have that I believe I might miss the most (because my photos are safe) would be Jo Jo. Jo Jo has been with me for 66 years. I’ve never lost him or misplaced him. He’s with me right now as I type. He’s my first teddy bear purchased by my parents when they learned I was on the way. He’s simply irreplaceable.

So my heart goes out to all those people who have lost their photos, and ash trays their kids made in elementary school (yes, kids used to make ash trays for gifts in school), and movies of the kids’ first steps, and silly souvenirs they brought home from their honeymoons, and hand sewn aprons their grandmas made, and quilts their great-great-grandmas made, and their moms’ wedding ring, and of course all the lost teddy bears.

www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]

Lonely vs. Alone

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     Many of us have experienced “loneliness” here and there throughout life. Many of us have also found ourselves “alone” for stretches of time. But being alone doesn’t mean we are lonely. Sometimes we can be lonely in the middle of a crowd or in the middle of our family and friends. Loneliness for many is not about the number of people surrounding us but rather the quality of the relationships within our circle of family and friends. It’s also our ability to be happy with ourselves---alone---for long periods of time. However, both situations are layered and complicated for seniors.

     I remember driving my kids off to college and the car loaded with their belongings. It was fun getting them settled in and exploring their schools and communities. But eventually that special time ends and it’s time for parents to head home and our college students to get wild and crazy and make stupid mistakes. Ah, those were special times.

     As I drove away I cried just about all the way home. My daughter went to school about four hours away and my son two hours. I looked like I had been kick boxing for days after returning home from both of those trips. And yet I was so happy they were beginning their adult lives.

     I can’t say I felt loneliness when they went away. I missed them terribly because we are a closely bonded single-parent family of three but I wasn’t lonely. I had a full time job, family, friends, and pets. I also had lots of activities I participated in. I still miss them to this day but it’s different now. I’m happy for them and the lives they’ve made for themselves so I’m not longing for them. It’s the way it is supposed to be. We grow up and make our lives and leave our parents behind.

     I never remarried and have lived on my own for many years. I love the time I have to do all the things I want to do just for me and I’m used to this lifestyle. The problem comes for some when they have spent years with a mate and then lose that special person. That occurs often now in my circle of seniors. I was divorced at a young age and therefore had many years to learn how to be on my own without someone else and I’ve arrived at my senior years with a fully developed independent life. Not so for many of my family members and friends.

     My stepdad suffered a stroke several years ago and must live in a skilled nursing facility for round the clock medical attention. My mom is 86 and home alone. I’ve invited her to come and live with me but she wants to stay in her own home for as long as possible. I understand her need to be home and to remain in the town where my stepdad lives in his nursing home, but I know she is lonely sometimes.

She didn’t have time alone as a younger woman to develop interests and habits that would take her to old age. She was part of a couple for most of her life and a daughter for the early years. She went from her childhood home directly to marriage. When my dad died I went home to stay with her for a couple of years then when I moved she met and married my stepdad. She spent very little time on her own until my stepdad’s stroke.

     She coped with her situation fairly well when it happened and I retired three years earlier than planned so that we could do things together. We live in different towns about an hour apart and at first we met for lunch or dinner, she came and stayed with me and I went north and stayed with her, and we took little trips to visit relatives and so forth. But each time I dropped her back at her house I felt bad because she seemed sad. All of her friends were married and traveled and many family and friends were passing away which diminished her social network.

     Shortly before I retired she was diagnosed with a lung disease. This kept her out of her already limited social loop and all too soon we were no longer able to take the little trips. It became increasingly more difficult for her to go out to lunch or to come and stay with me. Now she stays at home 24 hours a day except for frequent visits to several doctors.

     I took some time and did research on seniors living on their own after long marriages and discovered that indeed it is more difficult for them to be alone without being lonely. If they become ill they often become even more isolated due to health restrictions and can no longer participate in even the simplest social activities. Many who may have become attached to a senior center in their community eventually can no longer visit for recreation.

     Adult children of these folks are often seniors themselves but try to include their ailing parents in family activities as much as possible but it often becomes impossible to keep up the effort for a variety of reasons. Distance is often a factor in how much time a senior can give to their even more senior parent. And so we have thousands of seniors tucked away inside homes and apartments who are completely alone---and lonely.

     Several articles I read online suggested to younger readers that they must develop strong individual lives apart from their spouses. During the years before we find ourselves alone it’s up to us to become independent and fulfilled by our own interests. We must pursue hobbies that can carry us to old age, select some activities that are fitness related and others that promote mental challenges. Meeting frequently on a social level but separately from spouses with groups of friends and maintaining those relationships is important.

It was found that of the seniors who visited senior centers regularly and maintained long time friendships managed alone time much more comfortably. It was also thought these people may have a higher quality of life and may not develop certain illnesses known to hit seniors or if they did become ill the illness was more manageable because the person had lived a strong personal lifestyle. Sports, hobbies, religious activities, and educational pursuits were named as the most promising ways to avoid loneliness even in octogenarians and beyond. But preferably if they started these lifestyle choices early. In fact, the earlier the better.

     I’m fortunate that I find way too many things to keep me occupied each day and never have time to feel lonely. When I sit on my little patio swing sipping coffee I feel content and happy with the life I’ve made for myself. Sometimes I bring a logic puzzle outside and work on it while sipping, other times I bring my laptop out there and surf the net. When I have an opportunity to meet with family or friends it’s a treat but not a necessity. I like my alone time and I’m never lonely. I’m a click away from family and friends and my cell phone is always with me.

     Most quality of life issues are up to us. We have to dig in and make life interesting for ourselves so that when we reach our “golden” years they are truly golden. Or at the very least, gold plated!

[Pets help too for those able to properly manage a pet.]

www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]

Are You Smart?

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New I.Q. test. See how you do!

1. You take nude photos of yourself and you:

a. Email them to all your friends thinking they will not betray you.

b. Post them on Facebook thinking that your post is private and there’s no way anyone will see them except for your custom list.

c. Tweet about them with a link to your private photo album using code language that you believe no one but your friends will decipher.

d. None of the above.

2. You have an affair, though you are married and a high profile and important politician, and you:

a. Take your girlfriend to a posh restaurant and sit in a darkened corner thinking you’re hiding even though surveillance cameras are outside the restaurant, in the parking lot, on the stores across the street, every diner in the restaurant has a cell phone with photo and video capabilities, and paparazzi are always following you.

b. Take your girlfriend to a resort telling your family you are going to a weekend environmental conference to discuss the disappearance of the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker even though there are surveillance cameras inside, outside, on the ferry which takes you to the “secluded” island, and everyone there has cell phones with the aforementioned photo and video capabilities, and you are followed by the usual number of paparazzi.

c. Take photos of the two of you together on your smart phone while sun bathing nude on your private patio and mail them to selected friends thinking your friends will never betray you.

d. None of the above.

3. You lie to your associates that you are going to another conference and spend a tidy fortune on luxury accommodations and perks that the taxpayer pays for and you:

a. Have your girlfriend meet you there even though there are security cameras everywhere because it’s a high-end facility and caters to wealthy people who don’t want their belongings stolen or their safety compromised.

b. Take photos of you and your girlfriend in your private room doing all sorts of interesting things and send them to your friends thinking they won’t betray you.

c. Forget to tell your other girlfriend so she gets mad and while you are away contacts the press and spills her guts.

d. None of the above.

4. You’re gay but have not “come out” so you visit public restrooms and you:

a. Get caught trying to solicit sex and say you thought the guy in the next stall was an extraterrestrial and you were trying to show him how to use human bathroom facilities.

b. Get caught trying to solicit sex and say you dropped the toilet paper and wanted the guy in the next stall to give you some (paper).

c. Get caught trying to solicit sex and say you enjoy meeting new people no matter where you are and, by the way, you compliment his shoes.

d. None of the above.

Scoring is easy. If you answered anything but “d” on any of the questions, you failed, you’re an idiot, and you need to go live in a cave.

Technology is out there watching us and listening to us and if for no other reason than that, we must behave. Forget morals just for a moment. If you don’t possess morals at least have a brain and a little fear of losing your family, your job, your respect. Fear the possibility of going to jail/prison if you get caught committing a crime. Fear Big Brother. It’s just stupid not to.

My mom has friends who have sworn off all technology. They refuse to have a computer in their home. I don’t know if they have cell phones. They say they are protecting their privacy. They launched into a diatribe about technology and how safe they are compared to others.

I listened, politely, and waited. I then asked them if they watched TV and if so what service did they subscribe to? After they told me I explained their viewing was monitored and reports were made and sent to advertisers and programming based on their viewing habits. I asked if they used any banks. They did. I told them how banks operate in the computer age and even if they didn’t use ATMs or perform online banking their banks were LOADED with technology and tracked every single penny they spent and if their bank was ever hacked every detail of their lives including their Social Security numbers and where they lived would be available to the world. I asked if they shopped and if they used credit cards. I asked if they visited the doctor.

Did they have their car serviced? Did they have electricity and gas? Did they have water and sewer? Did they pay taxes? Did they write checks? (I haven’t written checks in years.) Each time I asked a question and told them where their information was being stored they turned various shades of gray. I told them to watch their pretty mailbox which is located on a lazy country lane because that’s a prime spot for opportunistic theft and once thieves obtain their mail they could have a field day. I wasn’t trying to be mean. I was trying to let them know that IT’S TOO LATE. Whether or not they have a computer or a smart phone or any other technology they are part of someone else’s technology---and have been for dozens of years. No one is safe. No one. Not even our top government leaders. IT’S ALL OUT THERE.

But mom’s friends are normal every day unenlightened folks. Do we want unenlightened people running our government? If they are so out of the tech loop they can’t manage their private lives and allow technology to narc on them, they should not be in office.

I’ve known people who have lost their jobs for a lot less than what we see on the evening news. It’s time for the smart folks who know they are being watched to educate the stupid folks who are so arrogant and empowered and wealthy they believe they can get away with anything they do.

Setting aside the moral issues of these behaviors, let’s just think about the composition of the brain matter these idiots possess in today’s tech world. Five year olds know better than to post anything anywhere of an embarrassing nature. And it’s highly likely that when a politician does something horrible and it goes viral their kids see it first. Is that what they want? Do they want their kids to see their parents in various stages of undress with or without a “friend”?

How smart are YOU? Hope you answered “d” on all the questions. If not, go away.

www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]

Baby Boomers

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I’ve hit an interesting age. In my group of friends and family many of us are caring for our aging ill spouses, our parents, our adult children and even our grandchildren. In a couple of cases all of them at once. We are, apparently, the generation that does it all.

Baby boomers, and those slightly before and slightly after, are experiencing retirement differently than many retirees before us. Our parents married young because of WWII and had children right away---us! Because they were so young when they married many of us are fortunate to still have our parents with us today. My mom is only 20 years older than I am and for the most part until the last few years she enjoyed relatively good health. We used to go on short trips, out to lunch and dinner, and generally scooted around over a large area of California. I was in denial about the length of time we would be able to do that and now we’ve hit the wall. Except for doctors’ appointments she is now housebound though still living on her own.

Several years ago my stepdad had a stroke resulting in permanent residence in a nursing facility. We were fortunate to find one managed by caring people and he resides there to this day. He does not have the use of one entire side of his body and his mental condition is poor but he is usually cheerful and happy to see us. Sometimes he calls us by the wrong names and he doesn’t understand exactly what is going on in his life but he has genuine moments of what we like to believe is happiness. Especially when we visit. Sometimes his hilarious sense of humor comes out and he hits comments pertinent to the conversation perfectly with one of his great zingers. But we just learned he has “taken a turn” and is no longer eating. He now weighs about 114 pounds and we are talking to the facility managers about the next steps in his life and his care.

Prior to mom’s declining health she visited him every single day. She would get up, have her coffee and read the paper, then head to the nursing home, spend the middle of the day with him, then come home and start all over the next day. The only times she didn’t visit was if she had a cold or the flu. Sadly, she came down with a debilitating lung disease and we were told she would slowly succumb to it and would notice a reduction in her ability to perform normal activities in a matter of months.

At first we didn’t notice the difference but it’s been over four years now and she has finally come to this point of being housebound and unable to go anywhere or do anything. We purchased a wheelchair for her visits to the doctor because she cannot walk from the car to the office. We hired a helper who comes twice a week for about four hours each day to do light house work and errands and a little cooking and whatever mom might need. I live in another town about an hour away but visit once a week and do whatever I can to help her out and just to visit and check up on her and my stepsiblings do likewise. We haven’t visited my stepdad in quite a while because I can’t convince her to dress and take a ride. Fortunately, my stepsiblings visit their dad and often stop by to see mom. None of us live in the same town so it isn’t easy to get to her town and visit more often than we do. We, the children, are still maintaining busy lives in separate towns far away from the folks.

I have a friend who is taking care of her bedridden husband and her mother who is 86 and her son who is in his late 30s, all living in her home. Though her husband could be in a rest home, and many have suggested that would be best, she refuses to do that and takes care of him herself with little assistance. She also takes care of her grandchildren occasionally and recently the family welcomed a great grandchild.

Other friends have grandchildren that they take care of every day and some have their adult children living with them for a variety of reasons. My daughter, 35, is living with me temporarily while she saves to buy a home. She believes, as do I, that this is the perfect time to buy a home because the prices have plummeted. In order to save a hefty down payment we both felt this was the ideal way for her to save that amount of money without shelling out rent. As well as saving for a home she is making double and triple payments on her car so that by the time she buys a home she won’t have a car payment. I’m divorced so it’s just the two of us in my tiny house---so far.

One friend had to move to another state and her children were upset with her because she couldn’t be there to help them anymore. It was important for her to move for many reasons including the fact that she owned a home in the other state which she purchased years ago for retirement. She’s almost at that point and decided to live there now and prepare for full retirement. Another friend recently lost her husband. He had been in poor health and over the last few years she had tremendous challenges as she watched her wonderful husband deteriorate and then finally pass away. He became ill almost at the time she retired. She took care of him by herself every single day. Another friend’s mom is 93 and still lives alone in her apartment hundreds of miles away. She has started having problems and now the family is discussing options for the immediate future. The family is spread out over hundreds of miles from one another and must fly to be with her whenever they can. There are many more members in my circle of family and friends with similar stories.

The point of all this is, it’s all about family. We do what we have to in order to keep everyone going. We are in the middle and juggling so many lives and issues that sometimes it can be overwhelming. Many cultures care for several layers of family and some traditionally live in the same community for generations. This then provides huge family support made up of parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends. We don’t see that as much in the U.S. though there are certainly some areas where these multiple generations live together in one city or town or large city neighborhoods. I suspect it’s a lot easier to care for aging ill parents and babysit grandchildren if everyone lives in the same town. Not so easy when we have to fly or drive long distances.

I’m an only child but have stepsiblings which is tremendous. We didn’t grow up together but met as young adults when our parents married and have always enjoyed the blending of our families. We had years and years of fun gatherings at our parents’ house and BBQs and picnics and my stepdad built a huge picnic table where we ate giant meals he prepared and we played cards and visited for hours and all the little kids ran around playing and squealing and making lots of noise and we always brought our dogs and we went to the lake and had more picnics and swimming and BBQs and my stepdad took the kids fishing and . . . well, it was wonderful and now it’s all just a sweet memory. Now we are trying very hard to keep my mom going and my stepdad isn’t doing well and our days are filled with thoughts of what’s to come for them. I’ve spent the last few days drawing diagrams of how I can arrange my house so that mom can come and live with me.

One day my kids will be contemplating what is to become of me. Wish I knew so I could help them. Because that’s what baby boomers do. We help everyone.

www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]