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It’s almost Christmas. No, don't gasp in horror. Take a long hard look at the calendar. Count the pay periods. For those who do not celebrate Christmas this posting may seem a bit odd. For those who do celebrate Christmas but do not cook or purchase presents and rely on their wives and moms to do those things, this posting may also seem odd. This post is for those of us who do it all. Year after year after year after year after year. For me it has always been a love/hate relationship. [This blog is about the mechanics of celebrating rather than the religious importance. It’s such a huge event that people all over the world celebrate even if they are not Christian. Talk about an impact one human made on the world!]
The Ghost of Christmas Past (Sorry, Mr. Dickens)
I began my solo adult Christmas season prep at 22 when I married. Prior to that, Christmas meant going out with all my single friends during the holidays, dancing, parties, restaurants, ski trips, then two or three days at home to gluttonize and more presents than would fit in the car and my tiny apartment. Ah, the good ole’ days. I have vague peripheral memories of my mom during my childhood at Christmas. She was a blur in a pretty apron. Sort of like she was caught in a transporter beam and hadn’t quite materialized after being beamed up.
Childhood Christmases at my house were the year’s top event. Nothing came close. Not birthdays nor anniversaries or new babies. Nothing. We were Christmas fanatics. We were Catholic too and the Catholics really do Christmas. And we are Portuguese. For those who haven’t had the pleasure of eating meals prepared by the Portuguese at Christmas, well, there’s nothing like it. (One summer while camping when I was about 10 we found ourselves camped next to another Portuguese family. I’m still not fully recovered and I still haven’t lost the weight I gained from all the food. I’m 65.) I’m not maligning other Christian celebrations or other gene pools but I experienced Catholic Portuguese Christmases and then later Methodist and Presbyterian during marriage. I have to say, by comparison, the Catholics in my group were more intense. And not just the celebration with food and gifts but the religious element was huge.
For the first few years of my married Christmases I did very well. Lots of holiday decorations and nice meals. I invited family to our tiny apartment a couple of times but mostly we went to my sister-in-law’s home because she had a family and a large house. But I eventually had kids and preferred staying home and that’s when my childhood memories took control of my brain and wrung me out year after year. I became a stressed out fanatic. Though we weren’t devout churchgoers, when the kids arrived we made an effort to introduce them to religion and found a couple of churches we liked depending on where we lived. They were not Catholic churches and I found them somewhat tame and, I’m afraid, a little boring. I think that’s because they weren’t Portuguese. I could be wrong.
Each year while the kids were growing up I purchased more and more decorations. Eventually my boxes filled ¼ of our garage. To set up the house properly it took more than a week. Just lugging the boxes inside took a couple of days. Next, I moved things out of the house into the garage for the Christmas season so that I’d have room for all my decorations. So let’s say just preparing the house for decorating with moving in and out took about 2.5 days. More depending on the size of the house we lived in over the years.
Initially I started this about two weeks before Christmas but with Christmas shopping and food planning and grocery shopping increasing in insane amounts each year it never seemed to be enough time so I moved it out to three weeks. Eventually, I started Christmas prep the day after Thanksgiving. While others were out taking advantage of Christmas shopping bargains the day after Thanksgiving I was lugging boxes and furniture all over my house and garage. I decorated the entire house first then did the tree. The kids “helped” me and when they went to bed I took the 10 ornaments they put on one branch and placed them more evenly on the tree. Likewise with tinsel. I took the giant glob they had placed on the tree and spread it out. Years later I learned that tinsel was bad for pets so I told my kids we couldn’t put tinsel on the tree anymore because of our dogs. They were very compliant because they loved our dogs. (I hated tinsel.) By the following weekend the house was done.
Next, shopping. Shopping during the holidays is intense. The crowds, bad weather, stressing about finances, planning, learning about new guests that were coming, placed shopping at the top of my list of things I hated. At that time I did a lot of shopping for a large family. The in-laws, my family, and my stepsiblings. I had gone from a single-child childhood to a large family spread out all over the country. I also had a rather strong make-it-myself vibe and quite often made personalized gifts for each family member. I sent out over 300 Christmas cards and some years made them myself. When I bought gifts for my kids I had two distinct types of gift-wrapping. One would be traditional wrapping paper in various patterns but each year I purchased special foil wrap with special nametags—all from Santa. All the gifts that weren’t from Santa were placed under the tree early on. On Christmas Eve when the kids went to bed I brought out all the foil gifts and placed them sort of sloppily around the front of the tree to look like Santa dropped them there because he was in a hurry. The dogs ate the cookies and drank the milk the kids left for Santa. (Sorry kids.)
Finally, food. I spent a lot of time on menus. Sometimes we had out of state family staying with us which meant many meals. And because it was Christmas season I didn’t want ordinary meals so I always came up with holiday fare I’d find in magazines or recipes from friends. It all had to be special and it had to be cooked from scratch. I never took a short cut though there were plenty out there. I cooked and cleaned and cooked and cleaned and when the big day arrived I was up at dawn and cooked my heart out all day having already put on a huge buffet the night before. The day after Christmas I was unconscious.
One would think that after my divorce I would have pulled back. Nope. I became more fanatical. I think I tried to make up for the loss of our two-parent family so I went berserk. I continued doing the same routine but now with very limited finances. It was a juggling act of major skill and talent to pull great Christmases out of my sorry purse. But I did. Then, like always, the day after Christmas I was unconscious.
There are countless horror stories I could share. One year while working as a single¬ parent with two kids I spent an entire weekend in my pajamas decorating the house and wrapping gifts. I never got dressed. I was so desperate to get it all done that I got up at dawn and stayed up all night. When I drove to work Monday morning I hallucinated. Reindeer were flying over the top of my car. Preparing for the holidays as a crazed mom is a familiar story. There are those reading this who are tired just thinking about it. I’ve read so many articles on Christmas stress and how moms, in particular, experience major depression, horrendous fatigue, massive debt, and the overwhelming responsibility of presentation that this blog pales in comparison. But I think it’s fairly typical of my age group and perhaps younger women coming up are following this trend. Ugh.
The Ghost of Christmas Present
I don't do that anymore. It’s easy for me to pull back now because I’m no longer married and I don't have small children and I don't have grandchildren yet. When I do have grandchildren I hope I don't go crazy and if I do I hope my friends kick me. The last few Christmases have been peaceful events with fires, food (but not of the crazy caliber), visiting, watching great movies, a few simple gifts, and fewer days of celebrating. I still decorate and I still have ¼ of my garage filled with decorations, but that’s the only craziness I’ve allowed to remain. (I stopped sending Christmas cards and that added years to my life expectancy.) I still decorate because I love to see all the lights and colors and I have so many special decorations that were gifts from family and friends and I love seeing them each year. But I cut back on everything else. And I’m retired. No more racing home from work to prepare for the holidays. But even my last few years at work I had cut down on the hoopla and started just enjoying a more peaceful season. I’ve even purchased prepared food at the better stores that make wonderful specialty items for the holidays.
Our lives change over the years. We lose in-laws through divorce or passings, our kids grow up, our parents sometimes are gone, and life evolves. We should evolve too. We should only do Christmas Crazy if we can do it without a meltdown. I still see my mom as a flash of white light from my childhood. She did it all and worked full time. She wasn’t June Cleaver. Later in life she stopped and started really enjoying her Christmases. And now I do too. As someone said long ago—just say no.
www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com
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