Are you a crybaby?

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Rep. John Boehner (R) has been called a big crybaby. What a goofy we world we live in. He doesn’t sob and fall down, he simply tears up and slows his speech then he recovers in a few moments. HE RECOVERS. What on earth is wrong with showing emotion and passion? We need more crying, not less. I’ve been a big crybaby my entire life. But I’m the toughest person I know and nothing has gotten me down. I may have cried when faced with challenges but I pushed through and nothing--and I mean nothing--has gotten in my way. And boy, I’ve had challenges and tragedies—and great successes.

It seems there are different standards for men who cry versus women who cry. Another goofy concept. When we lose a loved one it’s expected that we will cry. Men are even allowed limited tears when a loved one dies. When pets die, not so much for any of us. I had to take a few days off from work when my last little dog died. There were some who thought that was strange. Those who love pets didn’t think it was strange and in fact they got a little teary-eyed while talking about it with me.

Some people have been programmed not to cry but it doesn’t mean they don't want to. Men who cry probably had compassionate parents who allowed them to feel everything as they grew up instead of yelling at them to “stop crying.” I observed some parents when raising my own kids admonishing their boys that “big boys don't cry.” And some didn’t say that kindly. They often shamed their kids by saying it in a crowd. I was always heartbroken for those kids and worried how they would grow up.

Yelling at a child and telling them to stop crying is effective for the short term but it can create a life of constipation. It’s all about feelings. If a person cries and then collapses, that’s a problem. But if a person cries while speaking and continues to speak—no problem. Is it any different than screaming or swearing when speaking? No. It’s all emotional. It’s not bad unless it becomes debilitating. Functioning on a high level while crying, like soldiers in battle losing friends left and right, is completely the right thing to do.

After I set up my Christmas tree and decorated the house for the holidays I walked around and looked at all the little things I’ve collected over the years and when I got to the stockings on the fireplace (that I made for the kids when they were very little) the tears came. The “kids” are 38 and 35 now. They are pretty shabby after all these years (the stockings, not the kids) and each year I have to spend a little time doing repair work. I once suggested to my daughter it was time to find new stockings now that they were older and she had a meltdown. They remain.

I watched my “new” dogs (one with me three years and one with me one year) in the yard the other morning when we first got up. I was waiting for coffee and hadn’t made their breakfast yet. They both ran around and found their little areas where they chose to relieve themselves and I cracked up because steam rose from their little puddles. I laughed but then I got teary eyed. It was so cute and I love them dearly and it just got to me. I’m so happy to have these dogs, both rescues, and I know they are happy here and it just happened.

I once watched a wonderful commercial where three little girls were dressed for the beach running down a hallway and it got to me. I had a friend who had small girls about that age and all three of her kids were swimmers and I thought of them and my friend and the tears fell. It was a TV commercial. Every time I saw the commercial the tears formed.

Most books I read make me cry even if they aren’t sad. I might just love them and when I’m done, I cry. I mourned the completion of The Thornbirds for months. A TV series was developed eventually and one weekend a station ran every episode all weekend long. My daughter and I watched the entire series. I don't remember going anywhere or even changing out of my pajamas.

I don't sit and sob but the tears fall. Same with music. (The Thornbirds score was beautiful.) I have a hard time listening to my Beatles collection. And Queen. Freddie Mercury’s sweet yet powerful voice stops me cold when I hear him sing one of the old great songs. I also dance around the house with a lot of music even if I get teary-eyed. Oh, Roy Orbison. I just recalled his name and I got teary-eyed. The list is long. I think I feel tears again.

Birds. I do everything I can to invite birds to my property then I watch them in my beautiful pedestal birdbath (a retirement gift from my coworkers), with little splashes and chirping and then they dry themselves on my fence with lots of wing flapping and the tears come. I could go on but I won’t. I cry when I love things, I cry when I hate things, I cry when I’m angry, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m frustrated. I’m a big crybaby and I’m so glad that I am.

I’ve known a lot of repressed people in my life. They are so bogged down by their lives they can’t function. Then if something bad happens they cry and can’t stop. Not enough crying prior to the horrible event. I cry when they tell me what’s going on in their lives but they don't until it’s too late then they can’t stop. The difference between them and me is that though I cry I also fight like hell to fix whatever it is that makes me cry. I don't wallow. I’ve never wallowed. I cry and fight and change what needs to be changed. I rarely repeat mistakes, i.e., marriage.

So Rep. Boehner cries. Big deal. I didn’t know much about the man’s personal life until this post and subsequent research, but I did know before this writing that we don't share the same political viewpoint. At all. Not even remotely. I still respect him for showing his emotions.

Boehner was one of twelve children and was raised in a “modest” two-bedroom home he shared with his eleven siblings and parents. He was the first to attend college and it took him seven years. Kids like that work their butts off and don't have the college lives their more affluent friends do. I know because my two worked their butts off getting through college and did not have fun. They worked and went to school and did not participate in college “life.” It took them a while because sometimes they had to work more hours to afford more expensive classes and books. So I know how he went through his early young life and he had to be strong and passionate. Look where he is now. He didn’t get there by being a baby. He got there by being a strong, passionate man.

Lots of public people have been criticized over the years for crying. Some celebrities have cried when they’ve been caught behaving badly, some have cried when they have been charged with criminal behavior. More seem to cry publicly now than I remember through the years. But as long as a person continues to function and doesn’t fall apart, so what? I’d rather be stuck in a trench with an emotional person who cares than someone who is cold and calculating and out for only himself/herself. The crier will want to protect everyone because—they feel.

When my first book was published I went to the mailbox one day and there was a package from my publisher. I opened it outside by the mailbox and there it was. My book. My sister created the cover art and it’s stunning. I stood in the street in front of the world and cried. I couldn’t even move. It was like having a baby. I cried when I had my babies too. A lot.

Crying has been studied but many studies report that laboratory crying isn’t the same as spontaneous crying in real life. It’s easy to show a lab patient a sad film and force them to cry but it’s better to actually study genuine crying based on a true-life event. Not too easy to run around catching people crying when their roast burns and their in-laws are coming for dinner for the first time. Yet much of the research does point to a therapeutic result when folks cry. People often report they feel better.

Often when people visit therapists they cry when telling their stories. Then they say they feel better than they have in years. Sometimes those people had trouble crying spontaneously and needed the setting of a therapist’s office. Generally, the researchers believe we should cry when the feeling hits us rather than suppressing it as long as we remain in control and return to normal behaviors. Tragedies take longer to overcome but eventually even that crying subsides and people carry on with life. If not, professional assistance is required.

I’m a big crybaby and I’m proud of it. It makes me tough as nails. (Speaking of nails, I injure myself a lot when working around the house. Pain can really release the flood.) But mostly, while I’m fighting a non-injury “life” challenge I cry and I turn to steel and fight the good fight. It’s good to cry. Sometimes if I’ve experienced something very sad I cry a bit too long and I have learned to tell myself to “stop.” Amazingly, I do. I allow myself to cry for a while then when I realize I’m not stopping naturally, I just say “stop” out loud. Very effective and then I feel so much better. And I don't have clogged tear ducts.

[I was going to conclude with a sad story to see if I could get anyone to cry but decided against it. It’s Christmas after all.]

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www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth!

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Remember that fun Christmas song? I just heard it the other day and checked it out and the composer was a teacher who noticed his second graders were all missing a lot of teeth at that age and came up with that song in 30 minutes. I’ve placed it at the end of this post in its entirety because it’s adorable. It got me thinking though. Some bizarre things have happened to my two front teeth over the years. Actually, more than just two I’m sorry to say. And I am NOT writing a song about it!

When I was a teen I ate a steering wheel and lost several of my “front” teeth (after years of orthodontia. I visited the orthodontist a few years after the accident and he was horrified. All that work down the drain). I was lucky my parents found a great oral surgeon and we already had a great dentist so between the two they fixed my poor mouth. I had pallet work and gum work (reconstruction) and then a fancy bridge. My teeth were beautiful at the end of it all. I was very skinny by the time it was all over. I had been a pudgy teen and I’ve often thought of that as the best weight loss plan ever. In fact, over the years when I’ve needed intensive dental work I’ve dropped weight instantly. Dentists should operate dental and weight loss clinics combined.

Ever since that time I’ve become somewhat of a dental care fanatic. I’m not the only one. My 85-year-old mother, who has serious health issues, is still meticulous about the care of her teeth and gums. And it’s not just vanity. (She has a great smile with beautiful teeth.) Bad teeth and gums can lead to scary illnesses and even death.

Years ago I worked with a woman who had a friend who almost died from a preventable dental problem. The man developed some sort of abscess or infection in one of his teeth and it somehow ruptured and the bacteria entered his blood stream and went to his brain! We were all stunned. He was a fairly young man and it came out of nowhere. It was touch and go for him for quite some time. I believe there was an issue with his brain function after that and he was in therapy for quite some time. He survived and I understand he returned to normal, or almost normal, but it took a very long time. Other stories were shared about folks who had dental work and then had a heart attack. My stepdad had dental work (extractions) then suffered a stroke. My uncle years ago had a heart attack after going to the dentist.

I had excellent health and dental insurance through my employer and visited the dentist regularly for many years. I followed fairly ordinary at-home dental care. After the friend’s story about her friend, however, I became unimpressed with my dental routine. I spent time on the Internet to learn the best way to care for teeth at home and consulted my dentist on my next visit. I told him the story of my friend’s friend but he had thankfully never had a patient who developed a life-threatening problem. He was happy to report that though people came to him with horrendous dental problems he caught them in time so that they didn’t develop into something more serious. He suspected my friend’s friend had dental discomfort long before the rupture (not sure that’s the correct term) and had he gone to a dentist at the first sign of a problem he would not have had the horrific problem he eventually experienced.

At the time I talked with my dentist he impressed upon me the importance of taking care of (in particular) senior teeth. I had one area in my mouth that I didn’t do a good enough job on and he and the hygienist gave me lots of tips on how to get into that area. It required hand/arm coordination and contortion skills but I eventually learned how to deal with this tiny area in the very back of my mouth. I knew my mother had a daily routine that was akin to a visit with an oral surgeon but I too knew how important it was so I developed a serious at-home plan. I often read articles about dental care at home and incorporate new things from what I learn into my plan. I could be a dentist.

Pain at the dentist is almost gone these days as far as procedures. Once we get home the pain sinks in but we are usually given medications to help with pain and infection. My current dentist has state of the art everything in a beautiful and comfortable office with music and/or TV and lots of pain medication and happy gas and a cheerful staff and a great chair-side manner. I don't think I’ve ever experienced pain while sitting in that chair. He explains everything and gives painless injections. He’s amazing. Painless injections are the reason I went to him to begin with. A friend of a friend of a friend talked about his method and I left my old dentist flatter than a punctured breast implant and prayed the painless dentist had room for me. His father operated the practice for years and then my dentist joined his dad for a few years before the senior dentist retired.

After all the teen surgery and new bridge they told me that in a few years the bridge would have to be replaced. They estimated five or more years. I had the bridge for twenty years without a problem. Or so I thought. Though I had regular appointments with other dentists during this period (I moved around a lot) none told me that I should have a new bridge. I therefore thought it was fine. In fact, they often complimented the work I had done, especially finding a way to affix a bridge with so few teeth remaining.

One day I was sitting at my desk at work and felt an odd sensation on the left side of my bridge. I thought food had lodged under the bridge and I always had floss and a threader with me for that problem so I went to the rest room to take care of it. As I started threading the anchor tooth dislodged—completely! I was stunned. There was absolutely no warning and no pain. I couldn’t talk because the bridge was dangling and if I opened my mouth to talk it hung down—with the anchor tooth attached. I looked like I belonged in a horror movie. Vampire fangs appeared out of nowhere.

I covered my mouth and slurred to my supervisor I was having a dental problem and called my dentist. He saw me immediately and he determined the anchors of both sides were goners and I would need to anchor an even larger bridge to the remaining teeth. I asked what the odds were of those teeth going too and he said “pretty good” meaning “pretty good” chance I was going to lose all of them. I asked when and he said he had no way of knowing.

Over the next few weeks temporary measures were put into place and finally I received another new bridge. There were a few days when I didn’t talk. That in itself was a miracle. I had severe gum/bone reconstruction problems from the teen accident so it wasn’t easy but he came up with a beauty and I was very happy. That bridge lasted about four years when once again as I sat at my desk, this time thankfully at home, I lost another anchor tooth. Another new dentist (I had moved again) said there were no more teeth strong enough to carry a bridge and I would have to have a denture. He extracted my remaining upper teeth. I was 40 years old.

I had no choice of course but I was very depressed to think I’d have to have a denture. Growing up I knew plenty of people with dentures and did not like how they looked or how they sounded with clicking and sloshing sounds. So many people had ill-fitting dentures and I didn’t want to be one of them. Again, I was lucky to have another great dentist and he fixed me up with a beautiful denture. It didn’t look like a denture and I didn’t make denture noises. I do not put them in a glass at night! They are my teeth and I treat them accordingly. I clean the denture when I clean my “real” teeth. And I don’t have to floss them but I do place them in a foaming fizzy solution while I’m flossing and they come out sparkly!

Years later I had to have that first denture replaced. In fact, I wore it a lot longer than recommended. They do wear down and make chewing difficult for some people but I was happy with it. I think the only reason I ordered a new one is because I was retiring and wanted my insurance to pay for it. [Interestingly, insurance didn’t pay for all of it because it’s considered cosmetic. I guess I was expected to gum my food.] It is also lovely and I’m very happy with it. I can eat anything I want (and I do) and I kept my old one in the event of an emergency. I have just enough vanity to not want to go anywhere without teeth. Not even an emergency trip to the dentist. I once had the flu and ran to the drugstore in my pajamas and a coat and got in an accident. I’d rather be in my pajamas than toothless. Lesson learned.

So my dental routine does not include much with the denture. It’s all about the lower teeth. I’m not sure why I’m so fanatical about the lower teeth since I’ve had such good luck with the upper denture but I understand fitting a lower denture is more problematic and I just don't want any problems so I’m trying to keep what I have left.

But it’s more than that. It’s the health issue of clean healthy teeth and gums. In addition to the aforementioned bacteria attacking that poor man’s brain, bacteria from diseased gums can travel to the heart and cause all kinds of serious trouble. Generally, I have tried to live a healthy life and dental care is extremely important for overall health. Many people cruise along exercising and eating properly then have a heart attack from poor dental hygiene or inadequate dental care.

So here are some tips I found from various places online. I do all of it. I didn’t make any of this up. It’s all out there for those interested in further research. Because I’ve had a somewhat rocky dental history I am determined to keep my remaining teeth healthy and I hope my brain and heart benefit as well!

-Brush three times a day for at least three minutes each time.

-Sometimes if I’m waiting for the clothes dryer or waiting for someone to pick me up or whatever, I spend a little time just dry brushing without toothpaste softly around the gum line, front and back.

-Develop a routine and stick with it. Start with the same part of the mouth every time, always moving from one section to the next in the same order. Habit, habit, habit.

-Don’t brush too hard with the toothbrush. Spend more time gently but thoroughly brushing instead of hard brushing. Move the brush up and down each tooth and gum.

-Using a toothbrush with stiff bristles can damage the sensitive tissue in the mouth. Always use a toothbrush with soft bristles.

-Brush the tongue and the roof of the mouth to remove even more bacteria. Remember, the goal of being a dental fanatic is to remove bacteria.

-Floss every time. Don't whine, just do it. Once the routine kicks in it’s easy.

-Look for tartar-control toothpaste with the American Dental Association Seal of Acceptance or Recognition.

-Most antiplaque rinses and antimicrobial mouthwashes contain alcohol, so be careful if that’s a problem, but they kill bacteria in the mouth. [A coworker kept whiskey in a flask in her purse and “rinsed” frequently throughout the day. She swore it was for her teeth and gums.] Fewer bacteria means less plaque on your teeth. I rinse before I brush/floss to kill as much of the bacteria as possible in the event I floss a bit too hard and allow the little creatures to enter the blood stream. Ew.

I’m doing my best to take care of myself. Since I have more time than I did when I was working I can be fanatical about exercise and visits to my doctor for preventative health care screenings and cooking healthy foods and taking care of my teeth. I want to be a very old senior citizen. I don't want my tombstone to read, “If only she had flossed.”

Every body Pauses and stares at me
These two teeth are gone as you can see
I don't know just who to blame for this catastrophe!
But my one wish on Christmas Eve is as plain as it can be!

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth!

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas."

It seems so long since I could say,
"Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!"
Gosh oh gee, how happy I'd be,
if I could only whistle (thhhh, thhhh)

All I want for Christmas
is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth.

Gee, if I could only
have my two front teeth,
then I could wish you
"Merry Christmas!"
By Donald Yetter Gardner (1944)


www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

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Christmas "Presence"

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This time of year is special to many all over the world. Christmas and its glorious colors and sounds (and tastes) is just around the corner. Hanukah has already come and gone for 2010 but it is celebrated at the same general time of year as Christmas, usually the end of November through the first part of December, eight days of celebrating. Kwanzaa begins after Christmas and is spectacular. When I had a small craft business I made fabulous Kwanzaa cards in bright African colors and they sold out. Each year I had to make more and more as the celebration grew and embraced many cultures, not just African Americans! Winter Solstice is celebrated by many Native Americans and Aboriginal people throughout the world. Buddhists celebrate Bodhi Day in December. Prior to these huge religious/cultural celebrations our country celebrates Thanksgiving, which is religious for some, not for others, and somewhat launches the remaining celebrations of the year through New Year’s. New Year’s isn’t particularly religious except that I think most religions pray for a new year filled with happiness. Id al-Adha (a.k.a. the Feast of Sacrifice or Day of Sacrifice) occurs during the 12th lunar month of the Islamic year. (This year 11/16 through 11/19.) In other words, Christians do not have a lock on this time of year. Humanity worldwide shares this special time of year with many beliefs and traditions. That’s a lot of celebrating!

Because of these special holidays many say “happy holidays” instead of “merry Christmas.” I don't believe it’s meant to demean the Christian Christmas celebrations but it simply means let’s all be happy during this special time of year. At this time of year we come together with our families and friends, some of whom we may not see except at this time of year, and it could be during Thanksgiving or the many celebrations we’ve come to love. So much depends on individual work schedules, geographic home locations, cultural traditions, marriages that mingle holiday traditions, and a myriad of other circumstances that sometimes visiting loved ones during this time of year can involve all of the holidays! Some families are so large they have multiple Christmas celebrations or three or four Thanksgivings as they visit family and friends. It is, for the most part, truly a happy time of year for us. They truly are happy holidays. And so we say “Happy Holidays.”

Deeply devout folks sometimes find it hard to accept that other deeply devout folks celebrate at the very same time of year. Dueling holidays? I hope not. I think there is room for all belief systems and we should all be happy we believe in something that makes us better people. Something that forms us and makes us believe in the good around us and people who embrace and respect the lives and differences around us. We are an amazing planet filled with so many different cultures and ideas. At this time of year most of us seek peace and contentment and appreciate the little things that make life worth living. It’s not a time for fanaticism or hatred or picky attitudes about things we don't understand. It’s all good. It’s all about humanity. It’s all about celebrating so much for so many.

So . . . happy holidays one and all. May the Christmas “presence” turn our hearts to mush and may we truly live in the footprints of that little babe born so long ago. The King of Peace. Remember, he loved us all.

www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com

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Shhhhhhhhh. Don't ask, don't tell.

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