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Rep. John Boehner (R) has been called a big crybaby. What a goofy we world we live in. He doesn’t sob and fall down, he simply tears up and slows his speech then he recovers in a few moments. HE RECOVERS. What on earth is wrong with showing emotion and passion? We need more crying, not less. I’ve been a big crybaby my entire life. But I’m the toughest person I know and nothing has gotten me down. I may have cried when faced with challenges but I pushed through and nothing--and I mean nothing--has gotten in my way. And boy, I’ve had challenges and tragedies—and great successes.
It seems there are different standards for men who cry versus women who cry. Another goofy concept. When we lose a loved one it’s expected that we will cry. Men are even allowed limited tears when a loved one dies. When pets die, not so much for any of us. I had to take a few days off from work when my last little dog died. There were some who thought that was strange. Those who love pets didn’t think it was strange and in fact they got a little teary-eyed while talking about it with me.
Some people have been programmed not to cry but it doesn’t mean they don't want to. Men who cry probably had compassionate parents who allowed them to feel everything as they grew up instead of yelling at them to “stop crying.” I observed some parents when raising my own kids admonishing their boys that “big boys don't cry.” And some didn’t say that kindly. They often shamed their kids by saying it in a crowd. I was always heartbroken for those kids and worried how they would grow up.
Yelling at a child and telling them to stop crying is effective for the short term but it can create a life of constipation. It’s all about feelings. If a person cries and then collapses, that’s a problem. But if a person cries while speaking and continues to speak—no problem. Is it any different than screaming or swearing when speaking? No. It’s all emotional. It’s not bad unless it becomes debilitating. Functioning on a high level while crying, like soldiers in battle losing friends left and right, is completely the right thing to do.
After I set up my Christmas tree and decorated the house for the holidays I walked around and looked at all the little things I’ve collected over the years and when I got to the stockings on the fireplace (that I made for the kids when they were very little) the tears came. The “kids” are 38 and 35 now. They are pretty shabby after all these years (the stockings, not the kids) and each year I have to spend a little time doing repair work. I once suggested to my daughter it was time to find new stockings now that they were older and she had a meltdown. They remain.
I watched my “new” dogs (one with me three years and one with me one year) in the yard the other morning when we first got up. I was waiting for coffee and hadn’t made their breakfast yet. They both ran around and found their little areas where they chose to relieve themselves and I cracked up because steam rose from their little puddles. I laughed but then I got teary eyed. It was so cute and I love them dearly and it just got to me. I’m so happy to have these dogs, both rescues, and I know they are happy here and it just happened.
I once watched a wonderful commercial where three little girls were dressed for the beach running down a hallway and it got to me. I had a friend who had small girls about that age and all three of her kids were swimmers and I thought of them and my friend and the tears fell. It was a TV commercial. Every time I saw the commercial the tears formed.
Most books I read make me cry even if they aren’t sad. I might just love them and when I’m done, I cry. I mourned the completion of The Thornbirds for months. A TV series was developed eventually and one weekend a station ran every episode all weekend long. My daughter and I watched the entire series. I don't remember going anywhere or even changing out of my pajamas.
I don't sit and sob but the tears fall. Same with music. (The Thornbirds score was beautiful.) I have a hard time listening to my Beatles collection. And Queen. Freddie Mercury’s sweet yet powerful voice stops me cold when I hear him sing one of the old great songs. I also dance around the house with a lot of music even if I get teary-eyed. Oh, Roy Orbison. I just recalled his name and I got teary-eyed. The list is long. I think I feel tears again.
Birds. I do everything I can to invite birds to my property then I watch them in my beautiful pedestal birdbath (a retirement gift from my coworkers), with little splashes and chirping and then they dry themselves on my fence with lots of wing flapping and the tears come. I could go on but I won’t. I cry when I love things, I cry when I hate things, I cry when I’m angry, when I’m happy, when I’m sad, when I’m frustrated. I’m a big crybaby and I’m so glad that I am.
I’ve known a lot of repressed people in my life. They are so bogged down by their lives they can’t function. Then if something bad happens they cry and can’t stop. Not enough crying prior to the horrible event. I cry when they tell me what’s going on in their lives but they don't until it’s too late then they can’t stop. The difference between them and me is that though I cry I also fight like hell to fix whatever it is that makes me cry. I don't wallow. I’ve never wallowed. I cry and fight and change what needs to be changed. I rarely repeat mistakes, i.e., marriage.
So Rep. Boehner cries. Big deal. I didn’t know much about the man’s personal life until this post and subsequent research, but I did know before this writing that we don't share the same political viewpoint. At all. Not even remotely. I still respect him for showing his emotions.
Boehner was one of twelve children and was raised in a “modest” two-bedroom home he shared with his eleven siblings and parents. He was the first to attend college and it took him seven years. Kids like that work their butts off and don't have the college lives their more affluent friends do. I know because my two worked their butts off getting through college and did not have fun. They worked and went to school and did not participate in college “life.” It took them a while because sometimes they had to work more hours to afford more expensive classes and books. So I know how he went through his early young life and he had to be strong and passionate. Look where he is now. He didn’t get there by being a baby. He got there by being a strong, passionate man.
Lots of public people have been criticized over the years for crying. Some celebrities have cried when they’ve been caught behaving badly, some have cried when they have been charged with criminal behavior. More seem to cry publicly now than I remember through the years. But as long as a person continues to function and doesn’t fall apart, so what? I’d rather be stuck in a trench with an emotional person who cares than someone who is cold and calculating and out for only himself/herself. The crier will want to protect everyone because—they feel.
When my first book was published I went to the mailbox one day and there was a package from my publisher. I opened it outside by the mailbox and there it was. My book. My sister created the cover art and it’s stunning. I stood in the street in front of the world and cried. I couldn’t even move. It was like having a baby. I cried when I had my babies too. A lot.
Crying has been studied but many studies report that laboratory crying isn’t the same as spontaneous crying in real life. It’s easy to show a lab patient a sad film and force them to cry but it’s better to actually study genuine crying based on a true-life event. Not too easy to run around catching people crying when their roast burns and their in-laws are coming for dinner for the first time. Yet much of the research does point to a therapeutic result when folks cry. People often report they feel better.
Often when people visit therapists they cry when telling their stories. Then they say they feel better than they have in years. Sometimes those people had trouble crying spontaneously and needed the setting of a therapist’s office. Generally, the researchers believe we should cry when the feeling hits us rather than suppressing it as long as we remain in control and return to normal behaviors. Tragedies take longer to overcome but eventually even that crying subsides and people carry on with life. If not, professional assistance is required.
I’m a big crybaby and I’m proud of it. It makes me tough as nails. (Speaking of nails, I injure myself a lot when working around the house. Pain can really release the flood.) But mostly, while I’m fighting a non-injury “life” challenge I cry and I turn to steel and fight the good fight. It’s good to cry. Sometimes if I’ve experienced something very sad I cry a bit too long and I have learned to tell myself to “stop.” Amazingly, I do. I allow myself to cry for a while then when I realize I’m not stopping naturally, I just say “stop” out loud. Very effective and then I feel so much better. And I don't have clogged tear ducts.
[I was going to conclude with a sad story to see if I could get anyone to cry but decided against it. It’s Christmas after all.]
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