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There are hundreds (thousands?) of articles and reports explaining how to look for work with an emphasis on our current economy. Lots of people are out of work. People who worked all their lives are out of work. People who provided for families and had boats and went camping and skiing and people who had Sunday BBQs and sent their kids to college are out of work. Many people are out of work for the first time in their lives at a time when they thought they were sailing effortlessly to retirement. Retired folks are trying to re-enter the work force in greater numbers than ever to cover medical costs not covered by their inadequate insurance supplements.
But instead of employers making it easier to find work, quality life sustaining work and not jiggling a sign on a street corner, it is in fact harder than ever to find a job. Employers want perfect candidates and they can afford to be picky because it’s a buyer’s market (to borrow a phrase from the real estate world).
Prospective employers have become, in effect, invasive secret spy level “agents” into the private lives of their applicants/new hires. They are so invasive that Congress is investigating hiring practices and policies. But Congress moves slowly unless they are coming up with new taxes (then they move with lightening speed). In the meantime we are stuck with over-the-top snooping into our private lives when we try to find a job along with general mistreatment of applicants that is at an all time high. If we aren’t perfect we are out faster than a skunk at a wedding.
Who lives a squeaky clean financial life? (Or for that matter, who lives a squeaky-clean life, period?) Especially today. People who have led squeaky clean financial lives now find themselves on the brink and some over the brink of financial ruin. And they aren’t getting any younger. Budgeting and planning that worked a decade ago no longer works today so employers find those applicants unattractive because their credit scores don’t hit the 700s-at a minimum.
Have a health condition? You’re out. Clothes out of date? You’re out. Can’t afford to upgrade your skills or go back to school because you don't have a job to pay for it? You’re out. Are you too old (over 35)? You should have a better job by that age. Why are you applying for this job now? You’re out. Are you too fat? You’re out. Do you smoke? You’re out. Are you gay? You’re out. Are you anything but a 35-year-old tall blond and handsome Harvard educated male wearing a designer suit? You’re out. Are you a woman competing for a position mostly held by men? You’re out. Did you jump out of a window on top of a parked car in college and got arrested? You’re out. Did you arrive one minute late to your interview because your cat died that morning? You’re out. Did you file bankruptcy because you had the divorce from hell? You’re out. Do you have kids? You’re out. Did you default on your mortgage because the banking industry is filled with criminals? You’re out. Are you having an affair with one of the managers? No? You’re out. Will you have an affair with one of the managers? No? You’re out. Does you daddy work there? No? You’re out. Do you have a job? No? You can’t get a job if you don't have a job, silly. You’re out. Do you breed and raise dogs and treat them horrifically then torture them and murder them and operate illegal gambling and make lots of money on that endeavor even though you are already rich from your football career? No? You’re out.
“But,” you say, “employers can’t do that. It’s against the law!” Oh, that’s hilarious. They can do whatever they want to do and they do. They manipulate and outwit regulations with wild abandon. Because I’ve been in and around the business I have been privy to all sorts of shenanigans that employers pull. Some are just better at it than others. And often when the candidates are pulled into the interview selection process the shenanigans reach an outrageous level. There are several agencies to protect us from these predator practices but they have a tough time proving wrongdoing. In order for the various government agencies that are out there to protect employees to declare a finding in the applicant’s favor, the hiring company had to have placed fresh elephant dung on the applicant’s chair prior to the interview. Stale elephant dung would not be a negative factor.
I’ve heard candidates raked over the coals after their interviews because the blouse they selected didn’t match the over all color scheme of their outfit (shows the applicant’s poor judgment). That their shoes weren’t appropriate for the ensemble (shows lack of coordination). That they had ugly hair (shows they have image issues). Years ago before computers candidates were eliminated for not typing their applications on a typewriter even though their handwriting was impeccable and many people did not have access to typewriters and the applications said “type or print.” (Yes, that’s really true for you youngsters out there.)
I have had strong opinions (no kidding) about how people are hired and fired all of my life. I worked in “Human Resources” when it was called “Personnel.” I have family and friends who currently work in Human Resources. I have witnessed the most bizarre hirings and firings in almost all of my jobs. One supervisor spoke to God at night then came in the next morning and fired people explaining to them that God told her to do that. To argue with her meant one didn’t believe in God.
One employee in another organization was fired because she was a little slow in getting her work done. It was a customer service position and she was slow getting her paperwork done because she spent “too much time helping customers.” Her job title was “Customer Service Representative.” Huh?
When I was a teen I was “fired” from a part-time after school job because I was too friendly. The owner of the business told me I was too friendly. Too friendly. I repeat, too friendly. I was 16 working after school and I was too friendly. I wasn’t late, I wasn’t dirty, I wasn’t lazy, I wasn’t stupid. I had my own car, which I paid for by working in the pear sheds during summers. I was too friendly.
One position I applied for invited hundreds of applicants to an exam. Hundreds. They planned on filling five vacancies (and I learned later they had secretly pre-selected three of the candidates). How absurd to disrupt hundreds of lives when only five vacancies (two actually) would be filled. Their reasoning, and the reasoning of most Human Resources recruitments is: finding the best candidate. But it’s actually for government compliance/statistical reporting so that the employer will look like it’s doing its job for the community.
It is disingenuous to recruit for the best candidate because there is no employment norm for a best candidate. Desirable candidates run the gamut and are treated horrendously if one tiny discrepancy appears. And often these candidates are screened out of nowhere jobs that aren’t worthy of their attention to begin with but they are desperate so they apply.
In the instance a couple of paragraphs ago, rather than taking the time to do a proper application screening someone must have just tossed all the applications in a pile and called them to come in for the testing. While awaiting the proctor’s instructions a few of us chatted. Many were stunned they had been invited to take the test. They applied only because they were out of work and applying for anything and everything. The applicants in my section mostly were under-qualified yet here they were wasting their time to take a three-hour test for a job they were not going to get so that the organization could comply with statistical reporting to some ineffective government entity.
If the candidate manages to get to the interview level and hopefully an offer is made, they can then expect their credit to be checked, their criminal record to be scrutinized (including the aforementioned jumping from window/landing on car), intrusive and invasive medical history and exam, rent history and/or whether or not they rent or own (some candidates are screened out if they do not own a home-the reasoning being if they haven’t purchased a home by a certain age they are not successful enough for employment with the company.) Absurd.
One morning as I prepared to leave my house for a job interview (a final interview for a job I was positive I would get) a family disaster occurred. I had just gotten out of the shower when my kids told me something was wrong with our dog. We rushed him to the vet where we had to leave him for testing and though I was on the verge of a meltdown I left him in the capable hands of my vet and headed to the interview. My dog was heavy and I had a hard time getting him in the car and because of the emergency I hadn’t had time to put makeup on or dry my hair.
When I arrived at the company I slapped on a little lipstick and pushed my damp hair around and ran inside. I wasn’t late, though to this day I can’t believe it. The woman I had been working with for weeks came out and shook my hand with a great big smile and I then watched her expression slowly change to one of horror. She actually looked me up and down. I was wearing a beautiful dress, purchased for the occasion, nylons, the appropriate shoes and bag, but I had wet impacted dog fur all over the front of my dress and-—I smelled like a dog. He was a hound type dog and he usually had that hound odor (eau de parfum de chien) and it seemed to increase perhaps because of his discomfort. It suddenly occurred to me that I must have looked even worse than I thought. Let alone the smell.
I immediately went into damage control and told her the story of my dog and our trip to the vet with crying kids (and crying me) and though I thought I was speaking intelligently I now know it was absolute gibberish. As we walked through the office (where I would be working) all the employees looked up at us with happy expectant smiles because they knew I was “the one” soon to join them in their little work family. However, I was not introduced to any of them and at one point the woman took my elbow and quickly directed me to an office and I was told to sit down. She shut the door behind her.
Soon she returned with the department manager. For some reason I felt compelled to once again explain my morning and I saw the manager look me up and down and she had a huge fake smile on her face and her eyes looked like she had just returned from the cosmetic surgeon and he had botched the procedure and her eyes would never close again. [Note: I did not get the job.]
So the three of us sat there and I’ll give them credit because they went through what I think was a normal interview. Neither of them mentioned my morning or my appearance and I had hoped they would. I wanted to explain more about how I felt about dogs (really, that’s where my head was) and the kids and the divorce which is why I desperately needed a job and so many other things but they charged through the interview like a speeding train.
I left the office and went home and stood in front of my full-length mirror and for the first time was able to see how I looked. It was indescribable. I changed and went back to the vet. (My dog had a serious spine disorder similar to a slipped disc in a human and though he recovered from that episode in a few weeks he had to be put down. I explain this here only because I have to explain to everyone the entire story about that day and that morning. As I dropped him off at the vet I knew it was bad and I knew we were losing him. All of this was in my head that day during my interview. I hate those women.)
The point is, they would never behave that way toward a neighbor, a friend, a family member, but I was a job candidate and all is fair in love and war when in that arena. I’ve heard horror stories worse than mine about candidates heading to an interview only to get into a car accident but still arriving at the interview, late, with a little blood on their clothing, and told they were not going to be allowed to interview because they were late. Again, it’s all about the best candidate. If someone is late to an interview are they not the best candidate because they have impacted wet dog fur on their dress from a morning from hell? I got there; didn’t I? (And I wasn’t late.) The accident applicant got there late with a little blood from his injuries but he got there; right?
When did employers get all this power? In the last few decades it happened when they started outsourcing to other countries and didn’t need us anymore. Before outsourcing it happened because employment was for centuries a form of indentured servitude. Though it pales in comparison to actual slavery, employers formed their methods based on slavery standards and threw a little money at us instead of room and board.
For every person happily employed with an adequate salary and benefits, there are millions who are not. We need to tell Congress to hurry up. I think a properly employed citizenry is the key to all our problems. We’re a scrappy hard-working bunch in the U.S. and deserve respect from our employers not condemnation because we wore one brown shoe and one blue shoe to an interview. (That happened to a friend. She didn’t get the job.)
Oh, by the way, Michael Vick has a great job. How about you?
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