BOOKKEEPING FOR TWO

[NOTE: I have closed my Yahoo website and will be adding all that content to this site. Look to the right of this note and find “Home” and “Fun page” and click on them from time to time for additional information! New blogs posted every weekend. For previous blogs please visit “blog archive” to the lower right of this screen. Click on the small black arrows for a drop down list.]

     I’m late with my posting this week because I’ve added something new to my life. I’m now bookkeeping for two. My mom is no longer comfortable managing her accounts so I have taken them over. The task of setting it up was time consuming and a bit of a puzzle---hence the late posting.

     Fortunately, since I live an hour away from mom, I can manage her bookkeeping from home now and no longer have to make an emergency trip north. I visit her once or twice a week but of course that doesn’t always coincide with her financial needs. Now I can help her out and I’m simply a phone call away.

     It’s easier to help seniors in our families today with online banking. In fact, with online anything. We don’t bank at the same bank but I set her up with online banking through her own bank. I have access to her email and bank account passwords and everything I need to keep her going. Lately she’s had a number of confusions over payments and/or the lack thereof!

     During the set-up period we had extra visits and quite a few phone calls. I decided to begin all of her banking record-keeping from January 2011 forward and used my money management software to begin. It’s all done now and Wednesday we pay her bills for the first time on my shift. I set up a few auto payments but some she prefers to pay at a time she designates. I know what they are and will await direction but if she doesn’t let me know I can give her a call before it’s late.

     At first she was a little reluctant to let go of such an important task but lately she’s forgotten to tend to it in the way she had been and she seemed relieved that I was willing to take it over. The same process occurred when I set up her online medication auto processing. No more last minute dashes to the pharmacy. It all comes to her directly now based on the computer’s estimation of her needs and an email is sent which I read.

     Mom was set up on the computer and used it for quite a while but she has forgotten how to get on and off and she doesn’t use it anymore. It was a great tool that she enjoyed and she was able to order things she needed online since she isn’t able to drive or shop anymore. But as things change we adjust and move forward. We don’t look back.

     Mom’s memory has gotten to the point that without online banking she might have experienced unpleasant “issues” and this has been a tremendous relief---for me. She is relieved, of course, but not nearly as much as I am. I was terrified she would miss an important payment of some kind and have her utilities cut off or receive a nursing home eviction for my dad.

     But all of this isn’t without its emotional toll either. It seems every few weeks now changes occur that knock me off my feet. I’ve invited her to come and live with me and my sister and brother-in-law helped me try to convince her but she won’t budge. Short of a court order she’s staying put. I don’t blame her but of course we all worry about her.

     I set her up with one of those home medical alert systems. She wears a little button around her neck and seems to understand its use. I’ve explained it’s for all emergencies, not just medical, and she seems to understand that she must press the button for ANY emergency. The company I selected was fantastic and I loved their customer service.

     My dad is in a nursing home and has been for many years, my aunt passed away a few weeks ago, and changes are occurring with my mom faster than I’m willing to accept. One day at a time.

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Saying good-bye

[NOTE: I have closed my Yahoo website and will be adding that content to this site---slowly but surely. Look to the right of this note and find “Home” and “Fun page” and click on them from time to time for additional information! New blogs posted every weekend. For previous blogs please visit “blog archive” to the lower right of this screen. Click on the small black arrows for a drop down list.]

     As we age we experience many transitions. Family and friends pass away and we grieve. The older we get the more we lose, especially if we are fortunate enough to have a lot of family and friends. At some point long ago I came to grips with human mortality and accepted our brief stay on the earth. I also know that even the earth will not live forever and one day our sun will die and that will be the end of our beautiful blue marble.

     It’s easier to accept these passings if we understand it’s all about beginnings and endings and we all end---one way or the other. It’s how we get to the end that’s important. Between the beginning and ending we should strive to live well and do our best in all that we do. When tough times come along we must fight through them. When good times come along we should bask in our good fortune. But when we lose people we love or even people of celebrity status that we admire (and our pets), mourning is the way we move on and we must not cheat ourselves of a proper period of sadness. That’s how we heal.

     This past couple of weeks my family lost a dear member of the clan. My aunt passed away 10 days shy of her 90^th birthday. She simply passed in her sleep. Many of us in the family have lived around the world and didn’t always keep in touch and didn’t see each other as often as we would have liked but that’s part of the human experience. We like to roam around. And while roaming we build our own core families and keep on moving and building and living. As we go about our lives we keep in touch via family members and friends and remain connected even if we don’t see each other very often.

     At her service the other day we met up with my aunt’s side of the family (she married my mom’s brother). I recognized them instantly and felt that old familiar kinship that families share regardless of the passage of time. It was tremendously special to see all of these people and I have to say I was a little overwhelmed with emotion throughout the day. That night it was hard to fall asleep.

     When I was growing up as an “only” child, my aunt and uncle were very important to me. My uncle played with me and introduced me to music and TV. He had stereos and TVs long before anyone else I knew had them and if he were alive today he would be a technology geek and possibly even the developer of something amazing. Probably something to do with music. He had an enormous music collection. My aunt talked to me as though I had a brain and even trained me to work in her office while she was on vacation once. I felt so grown up and I knew her trust was high so I made sure I did everything perfectly. She left meticulous notes on my duties and I passed with flying colors. They never had children so perhaps that’s why they connected with me.

     My family has always been small and scattered but I can’t get over the tight connection and bond I feel for them when we meet. I live on the west coast and my dad’s family lives on the east coast and we have only been together a handful of times but it doesn’t matter. I adore them too and feel the connection when we talk on the phone or exchange emails.

     It’s easier to accept loss of a loved one if they have reached a ripe old age. I knew my aunt had a good life, a life not without strife but full of ups and downs like all of us. She was strong and tough perhaps because both my aunt and uncle were Marines in WWII. At the cemetery my aunt was given a lovely and simple presentation by a small color guard of young Marines. Her sister was presented with the American flag that had been draped over my aunt’s casket and off in the distance one of the young men played a beautiful rendition of “Taps.” When they completed their presentation they silently moved away from the family and friends gathered for their final good-byes. It was a tremendous honor bestowed on her by the young Marines and something I will never forget.

Funeral services have evolved. Many are memorial gatherings and some even rise to the level of a party. A place where family and friends gather to visit and talk about adventures and to say good-bye. My aunt’s funeral was more traditional with a simple Catholic service in the funeral home followed by a short drive to the cemetery and a brief graveside service by the priest and Marines. It was light and not gloomy and was filled with happiness about where she had been, and in the Catholic tradition, where she was going. Later the family met for lunch and visiting and catching up. It was tremendously special.

Almost 90 with a funeral service performed by a gentle, soft-voiced priest who prayed for her soul (and ours) and expressed words of kindness throughout the day to ease the family into moving on, then a moving Marine Corps tribute. She would have loved that and I’m at peace until the next passing. That’s how it is.

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Can you spare a little change?

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     I’ve been thinking about Somalia a lot lately. My first thought was donating anything from my small budget to that huge relief effort would be like spitting in the ocean. But then I remembered my history of giving and had a change of heart.

     Quite a few years ago I began donating small amounts of money to a few charities. My employer had a system in place for employee donations and I participated in a small way to be part of the group, but my primary giving was done at home.

     I didn’t always have much left over. I raised two kids alone and later when they went to college we had challenging financial “issues.” Still, whenever I could I coughed up a few dollars for certain charities---very few dollars sometimes.

     Over the years when the kids finished college and began their careers it was easier for me to give a bit more and I took the time to research various charitable organizations online. Or sometimes I’d hear of a family whose home burned in a fire and the news would provide the name of the fund set up for donations. New issues always pop up or a new crisis appears in the world via war, or natural disaster, or sometimes something sinister occurs and there are victims in need of emergency assistance.

     I don’t have a religious affiliation but many have a variety of service programs available and from time to time I donate to a certain church in my town that provides meals and services for the homeless folks in our city. Most churches would be delighted to accept a donation from a non-member. My donations have never been refused nor has my religious belief system (or lack thereof) ever been called into question.

     Because I donate fairly regularly to a variety of organizations I now have a mailbox full of envelopes begging for help along with “gifts” supplied to encourage me to donate again or to become a regular contributor. (I wish they wouldn’t spend the effort on sending me a gift.) My email is also full of requests for donations. Some are for monthly amounts to sustain a particular program. I can’t make that commitment so I haven’t done that. For those who can it can make a tremendous difference in many lives.

     So recently my attention has been drawn to Somalia. I dug around and found many trustworthy sites online where donations can be safely made. We are lucky we have the resources provided by the Internet to investigate whether or not an organization is real or where the money is actually going.

     When visiting one important site that I’ve given money to before I learned it’s crucial to carefully read their material to learn if we are donating directly to the current area of need or if we are donating “generally” to their overall operation. Of course, it’s important for charities to have operating expenses but if there’s a current serious need I prefer donating directly to that effort. We can even use our cell phones to donate! (Carefully after doing the research first.)

     The point is, whether we donate to help with a crisis, or whether it’s to support an organization that devotes resources to cure a disease or alleviate hunger or provide housing or clothing or medical care, we must donate. Even a small amount is appreciated by charities. In my case, I’m retired and I live modestly. But I have adequate housing, clothing, food, a pension, pets, several tech gadgets I love, a cute little car, a small garden, and lots of fun things to provide me with a comfortable life. Even though I’m no longer working and I rely on my pension I find I can still spare a few dollars here and there. I just skip fancy coffee at the popular coffee shop down the street. I still have a cup from time to time but I save a lot of money by only going as an occasional treat and put the money to good use elsewhere.

     Not only do I donate small amounts here and there I have always encouraged my kids to give what they can. Sometimes we get a surprise amount of money (I received an escrow overage check recently) or a larger than anticipated birthday check or a lucky day at the slot machines and when we are the fortunate beneficiaries of extra money, it’s a good thing to remember those less fortunate. An unanticipated windfall is easier to share with a charity because it doesn’t stretch the budget. But don’t give it away if needed. Charity begins at home. Once home and hearth are taken care of, and if there’s a reasonable amount left, that’s the time to give.

     It’s true there are more charities in the world than we can possibly help but that isn’t how it works. Each individual should simply give a little here and there according to their resources. Even dropping a few coins in a kettle outside the mall at Christmas time helps. If trust is the issue, there’s no problem anymore because research is a click away.

     Our country is suffering. When our country suffers the rest of the world suffers too. We are so important to the world economy that when we fall so does everyone else. But for those of us who are still solvent, this is the most important time to share what we can. However little. Charities are hurting because their donors are hurting. People who used to donate are often standing in line for help from the very organization they used to send money to.

     When I donate a few dollars I always feel so good. I recently gave an old car to one of our local animal shelters. I loved the car and it served me well for many years. It was still in great shape and someone will get a safe reliable car and the shelter gets a little money for operating expenses. (By way of another animal donation I adopted two dogs from another shelter and a few cats over the years!) I could have sold the car but realized it was a great opportunity for me to give something substantial without “feeling” it in the pocketbook. I did feel it emotionally however. It was a great feeling.

     Some believe there are more ethereal awards for giving but I just like the way it feels when I send off a small check that will feed a village for a week. (I’m not kidding. It takes very little to feed an entire village in some parts of the world. Check it out.) 

     Giving can be habit forming and it doesn’t have to hurt. Just a little can make a huge difference to someone less fortunate. And---there’s always someone less fortunate.

[Note: I deliberately omitted names of specific charities I contribute to because it’s best to find the ones that tug at individual heartstrings.]  

“Once I built a railroad, made it run,

Made it race against time.

Once I built a railroad, now it's done.

Brother can you spare a dime?”

  1931 by lyricist E.Y. "Yip" Harburg and composer Jay Gorney

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]

Do You Look Your Age?

[NOTE: I have closed my Yahoo website and will be incorporating that content into this site. Look to the right of this note and find “Home” and “Fun Page” and click on them from time to time for additional information!]

[New blogs posted every weekend. For previous blogs please visit “blog archive” to the lower right of this screen. Click on the small black arrows for a drop down list.]

     My mom comes from a great gene pool. She’s 100% Portuguese and has the most beautiful wrinkle-free skin. She’s almost 86. She has a few lines but they can’t be classified as wrinkles. Her hair is still mostly dark brown with streaks of gray. The gray is dark and blends in with her brown. Other members in her family are enjoying similar aging.

     I, on the other hand, being only half Portuguese, take after my dad’s side of the family: Irish, Scottish, French, English, and a few other regions, some believed to be Eastern Europe. Though I’m half Portuguese, that half is losing the aging battle. I have wrinkles, gray hair, and one of “those” necks. I won’t describe other areas of my body. I’m 66.

     Years ago, before I was 21, I often went out with my mom and she was always asked for her I.D. I was not. I always thought it should be the custom of a restaurant to ask both ladies for their I.D. to avoid offending one of them. When I was 18 my dad died and mom and I decided to get away for a while and went to South Shore Lake Tahoe and she was asked for her I.D. as we entered casinos and I was not. She was 38.

     For many years she was asked for her I.D., well into her 40s. I realize that’s fairly unusual but I don’t remember when the last time was someone asked me. So gene pool aside, I have always tried my best to take care of my skin (pale, transparent white) and hair (mousy brown though it started out beautiful blond) and to try to keep my hair, makeup and clothing within at least the same decade.

     For many years I worshipped the sun and learned the sun was unkind to most people but in particular to fair people. So I stopped sunbathing and now when I’m outside I look like I’m headed to Alaska. I bundle up and wear big hats with large brims and bottles of sun screen and long sleeves. I had a few scary things removed from my face and legs and don’t want to revisit that procedure. At night I slather an expensive cream on my face, a different one for the rest of my body, and in the morning after my shower I have day creams with SPF factor. I’m a greased pig.

     So back to my original question: do you look your age? I can’t answer that for me because I still look 16 when I look in the mirror. It’s denial but it works. I think I do look my age however because when a younger person needs that information (sometimes we have to give our birthdate) they are never shocked. They simply write it down. I remember whenever my mom had to cough up her birthdate they always exclaimed, “Oh, you’re kidding!” I’ve never heard those words directed at me. I guess all the creams in the world will never bring forth those exclamations from young people collecting data about me. So do I look my age? Or, horrors, do I look older? I don’t know! I truly don’t know.

     I’ve spent a lot of time examining family and friends in my general age range and I think we all look alike. Many of us are doing our best with our hair and skin and makeup. Nothing ages a person more than a ‘50s haircut and ‘60s makeup. Even out of style clothing doesn’t scream “old” quite as much as fuddy-duddy hair and makeup. In fact, I have reduced the amount of makeup I wear and changed coloring to match my new skin tone (blah and gray) at the suggestion of a stylist. She was in her 30s but was very knowledgeable about aging accoutrements and makeup and hair.

     When my 35-year-old daughter throws her hair in a ponytail and runs to the store without makeup or jewelry and in super casual clothes she can’t buy wine. If I put my hair in a ponytail and run to the store I look like I’ve just come down from the hills to buy things for the family still.

     It’s not fair.

[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]