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I had an interesting conversation with a group of women at the ophthalmologist’s office recently. All of us were there for afternoon appointments and the appointments were running late. A few grumbled about how long they had waited and that they had hoped to get back to work for at least an hour but they finally realized they would not. One woman had a different concern. She wanted to get going before dark.
It’s summer and doesn’t get dark until around 8:30. There are those of us of a certain age who don't like driving against headlights but I didn’t get the feeling that was her problem even though we were in the ophthalmologist’s office. As I thought this through one of the other patients assured her it wouldn’t be dark for quite some time. She replied, “I know, but I have to drive a distance when I leave here to visit my daughter. I may be on the road when it’s dark if I don't leave soon.” We all offered her our appointment slots but as it turned out she was next anyway. She thanked us and then explained her fear of the dark.
Over the last few years she enjoyed visiting her daughter and grandchildren and would leave after work and get to her daughter’s home in another town around 9:00 p.m. Her plan, she explained, was to retire to the town her daughter lived in to be close to her grandchildren but for now she had another year or two until retirement. On some of the trips to her daughter’s home she had encountered what she referred to as “scary people.”
Once she had problems at a gas station when she had neglected to fill up after work and though she was only about 20 minutes from her daughter’s place she needed gas right then. Young men at the station approached her and hassled her and she thought they were going to rob her (or worse). She believes they may have but more customers arrived and the young men left. When she finally left she felt they were following her though she doesn’t know to this day if they were. However, she did not go straight to her daughter’s house and took a long circuitous route constantly checking her rearview mirror to be certain.
After she finished her story another patient described a similar incident in a large department store parking lot. Two young men followed her quite a distance and she finally turned around and went back inside the store and asked security to walk her out. From there everyone was interrupting each other with similar tales.
I was shopping in a large discount store by myself in broad daylight. A young couple seemed to be shopping for the same items I was because every aisle I went down they were soon there. They laughed about that “coincidence” and attempted to engage me in conversation. Occasionally, one would walk ahead of the other so that I ended up between them. After a few minutes they started standing right next to me and would occasionally bump me. They would laugh and apologize and walk away. I started giving them the evil eye.
I’d had enough and I pushed my cart to the large area outside the smaller aisles and stood there waiting for them. I knew they would be looking for me. They came around a corner and saw me standing there, with my arms folded and my hip jutting out at a sharp angle, defiant and daring them, and they knew the jig was up. I stared them down. They immediately walked to the front of the store.
After that I didn’t see them inside again and finished my shopping. When standing in the checkout lane it occurred to me that I would have to go outside with my cart full of purchases. I pushed my cart to the front of the store and told an employee about the couple. She immediately called security and a very nice young man appeared instantly.
He asked me what they looked like and then used his “push-to-talk” and told someone somewhere what he was looking for. He received a response that they were nowhere in the parking area, which was huge and served many other stores, and then in the form of an order he looked at me and said, “Let’s go.” He marched me to my car scanning left and right. He looked a little like the Terminator. As we got to within about 10 feet of my car I saw them. They were quite a distance away but I was certain it was the same couple. They walked in and out and around the parked cars and looked inside windows. He used his little communicator, told me to get in the car as he began flinging my purchases in the back, and asked for my name and phone number. I handed him a business card.
I never heard from the store or their security office but I got the feeling based on his behavior that this was SOP (standard operating procedure). How many times a month, a week, or a day did this scenario play out? He was very calm and comforting and knew what he was doing. As I slammed the door he shouted, “Don't worry about this. It happens all the time.” I’m not sure that comment was in the best interest of the store. Hearing that I wondered if I should ever go back. But I have gone back and will continue to go back. Not because I’m brave but because it’s the society we live in. My other choice would be to develop agoraphobia and I’m not there yet.
Once when shopping at another store I walked outside with a bag (not a cart) and I thought a man was following me. For some reason I couldn’t find my car so I got a little panicky. He seemed to be walking more quickly so I started walking more quickly. Soon I turned and jogged back to the store. When I turned around to see where he was he was still moving very quickly through the parking lot and then stopped and placed his hands on his hips and was shaking his head in exasperation. I thought he was looking for me. He was not. He couldn’t find his car either. False alarm.
This particular store has two large entrances. It’s a sprawling store and if one goes in one door and shops throughout the store it’s quite possible to end up leaving on the opposite end. Hard to find the car when it isn’t parked at that end of the store. This actually happened to me twice in this parking lot but the second time no one was “following” me.
Over the years I’ve had many odd encounters. A woman followed me and when I parked she got out of her car and screamed at me through my closed window. Apparently I committed a driving offense but I had no idea what it was. She was hysterical. I got out (stupid) and attempted to explain I was unaware of what I did but she was in a fit of rage so I took off. Another time a car full of young men followed me almost all the way home after a night class I was taking concluded. I saw them and did not drive home for quite some time (like the woman I met in the doctor’s office). There are more stories of this nature.
I’m 65 and have lived on my own for many years and I’m out and about frequently, day and night. I pay attention. Once when discussing these incidents at lunch a couple of women in the group said they had never experienced anything like this. Another member of the group beat me to the punch and told them “you just didn’t know it was happening.” I’m afraid that’s true. We are all victims of opportunistic stalking for thievery (or more sinister reasons) whether we are aware of it our not. Men and women but mostly women. Many police departments, budgets allowing, inform small groups the way to shop and park and what to carry and how to carry bags and purses and where to be careful and a whole litany of warnings about safety at home, etc. The Internet is full of information aimed at protecting ourselves. There’s a reason for that dissemination of information. It’s because incidents are happening on a grand scale.
As we sat in the ophthalmologist’s office more of us told similar tales. I remembered many little instances of stranger danger and I had just pushed them to the back of my brain. At one point we started laughing about some of the funny incidents. Twice in my life with friends, different friends, different decades, men exposed themselves to us. We were close enough to see details. Once bikers rode up to my car and each took a handle of my car doors, right and left sides, and “escorted” me all the way to the ocean in San Francisco then left with a wave. Behind me was a huge hoard of bikers I could see in my rearview mirror. They were all laughing. It was a lark for them to do this to a blond 20-year-old girl but it was frightening for me. I was terrified I’d drive improperly and hurt one of them (then be murdered) but I made it and they all roared off south down the highway chuckling and waving at me.
Slowly we were each called to see the doctor. The first woman was relieved and calculated she would indeed arrive at her daughter’s before dark. We all wished her well and kept visiting and telling stories. One woman was very unhappy that we had so many stories to share. She wondered what happened to our world that people felt they could pray upon others for their own needs or pleasure or evil intentions. We all fell silent with that comment because up to that point we were sort of laughing. The conversation turned more serious at that point as we tried to figure out why this was happening “today.”
But it isn’t just “today.” Strange people have been inflicting their ill will on others throughout the history of humanity. There are more of us now. Women in enlightened countries are out and about more than ever in history and women have traditionally been favorite targets for brutality (then and now). Mental illness is not addressed in the way it should be and parents do not always raise well-behaved children and drugs make people do abhorrent things and poverty turns some into opportunistic thieves who may harm people if they can’t steal $5 from them and some kill and end up with pocket change for their efforts and on it goes.
The other night a lovely 50-year-old German tourist was enjoying an evening with her husband in San Francisco. They were celebrating their anniversary with a wonderful vacation in our beautiful city. As they walked back to their hotel she was shot and killed by a young man irritated because he was unable to get into a party down the street. A shooting match began between disgruntled party guests and this woman was “accidentally” shot and killed leaving a husband, two kids, and the world. A friend of mine who lives in Illinois is visiting California and traveling around San Francisco at this very moment. She sends wonderful photos as she goes about the city. She is having a fabulous time. When I heard about the tourist I gasped for a fearful moment thinking of my friend.
When I heard about the German tourist’s murder I thought of the day at the ophthalmologist’s office. In the last couple of weeks I had just spent an evening in San Francisco and my friends and I were having a wonderful time and we stopped at a cute little coffee shop and had great coffee and visited and discussed our love of the city and how we would love to live there again one day (two of us had lived there for many years in our youth) and it’s such a beautiful city and there’s so much to do and my first child was born there and we all felt so fortunate to have been raised near such a fabulous international city. But it’s not just happening in San Francisco. It’s everywhere. Small towns, big towns, in the middle of forests. It’s reflected in our TV predatory entertainment bent on beating one another at games with absolutely no boundaries. The goal is to have what the other person has at all costs.
So these last couple of days I’ve experienced a bit of mourning for this woman and her family but also for all of us out here. All of us running to the store after work to get milk. All of us spending an evening out on the town with family and friends. All of us taking the bus to work very early in the morning. All of us walking our dogs. All of us sending our kids off to school. All of us entrusting our kids to adults in a variety of capacities. All of us going to doctors, dentists, repair shops. All of us hiring people to work on our homes. All of us taking our children for kids’ meals at fast food restaurants.
The above list is just a small fraction of horrific actual events that have occurred just during my lifetime and some of the events will be remembered by some readers. I don't have to be more specific. Each one represents a failure in our society. This posting will not propose a resolution. I have no idea what to do to fix us. We’re broken. It’s one thing to lose our lives in a hiking accident or due to an illness or a myriad of freak occurrences other than human against human. But when we turn on each other the recovery for those left behind is agonizing. To lose someone in a car accident versus losing someone via an episode of senseless violence makes a difference.
Agoraphobia is becoming more attractive.
Each week in this spot I will report an instance of good customer service (if any) but without embellishment. Just a business or entity that knows how to treat customers at least some of the time if not always.
This week I received excellent customer service from:
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