Before I begin the next series of promised blogs (writing/publishing a book), I thought I would answer a question many people ask: Do I like retirement? They ask because they say they don’t know what they would do with themselves all day long when they retire with nothing to do. My standard response is: Are you nuts?
Still, it makes me realize retirement is not the same for everyone. So I did a little research and I’m happy to report that most retirees today find plenty to do. Some find themselves busier now than they were before retiring. Of all the reading and research I’ve done on the topic, however, I have yet to read about my particular situation-the divorced/single retiree. I know there are more out there like me, but I can’t find them. Maybe they aren’t included in research studies or I simply haven’t found their stories yet. So here’s mine.
Retirees in my category find themselves free--totally free--for the first time in their entire lives. It’s possible some may not want that special classification, but I wanted it and I have it and it’s tremendous. Many people retire with a spouse and they now spend hours each day together (which can be good or bad or both) but whatever the case, they are, therefore, not totally free. They may even like this new arrangement, but I have heard mixed reports from married family and friends. Without eight hours of employment per day to keep couples separated, many couples find it challenging to stay out of prison. Then there are the sad illness issues that complicate retirement often leaving one senior caring for the other day and night when their own health may be sliding as well. I did not like marriage and chose to not go there again because I saw the future and it was grim.
I retired in 2007 and for the first time in my life, I found I was totally and completely and gloriously on my own. I now answer to no one (as long as I obey the basic laws of the land). I am responsible to or for no one but my pets, and myself, but no humans. I may offer assistance to others, and I do, but I don’t have to. I have learned to say no. It’s my decision, finally, how I live each day.
Most of us begin life with our parents and stay with them for quite some time. They are responsible for our lives and they support us emotionally and financially. We are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and are the responsibility of our parents. We must follow their rules.
During that time we also are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and are the responsibility of our teachers and schools. We must follow their rules. Some of us work during our teen years where we are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and are the responsibility of our employers. We must follow their rules. Throw in a few extracurricular activities (sports, music, theater, etc.) and the authorities pile on. The first 18 years or so of our lives are totally controlled by multiple layers of authority: parents, educators, employers, and organized activities.
After our teen education ends many of us go off to college where we are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and are the responsibility of our colleges with continuing oversight by our parents in most cases. We must follow their rules. And let’s not forget part-time or even full-time jobs for some students where we are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and the responsibility of our employers. We must follow their rules. Layer upon layer of control and authority.
Though we perceive we have freedom when we go off to college and live in our own dorm or apartment, we do not. Many of us run amuck during this period thinking we finally own our lives. Not only do we not own our own lives, when we screw up at this level we are now costing our parents great sums of money to bail us out and/or try to keep us in college. Sometimes we must return home with our tails between our legs where we are once more guided and disciplined and responsible to and are the responsibility of our parents. We must follow their rules (again). By this time we may be in our early twenties or beyond.
If we do not go to college, we begin the adult employment world and are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and are the responsibility of our employers. We must follow their rules. Often the young working adult decides to get married. Now we are guided and disciplined and are responsible to and the responsibility of our spouse. We must follow our respective rules. Don’t think so? Check out divorce statistics.
Next we have children where we are guided (and guide) and are disciplined (and discipline), and are responsible to and are responsible for the lives of our children. We must follow parenting rules. (For those who do not think you are disciplined by your children try to recall the time you picked your daughter up at soccer practice only to discover she was at gymnastics practice, 30 minutes in the opposite direction. Driving up to an angry 10-year old standing in the dark (and rain) with an even angrier gymnastics coach standing beside her is discipline of the highest order and it lasts for days.)
Sometimes during the adult years a divorce kicks in. The staggering amount of guidance and discipline and responsibility to and for our children and life in all areas is overwhelming. We must follow many rules including those found in divorce laws. Raising children follows the same 18 or so years we spent in that position in our youth but reversed. And we have the same employment guidance and discipline and are responsible to and are the responsibility of that employer with an ex-spouse still pulling strings financially and/or emotionally. We must follow a multitude of rules. We are far far far from being free (though some of us certainly feel relief with the spouse out of the picture).
Eventually our children are grown, out of college and/or employed, and truly on their own with the same guidance and discipline and responsibilities to and from the issues we lived through. They must follow the rules. Time for us to finally relax? No, we are still employed. We still have guidance and discipline and responsibilities to and from our employer. We must follow their rules. In exchange for our attendance and obedience in the workplace each day they give us money and we probably need money desperately if we managed to get kids through college by cashing in our 401Ks, pension plans, piling up the credit cards for books and materials, and obtaining second mortgages for tuition.
In a country that values freedom above all, so few of us have true personal freedom. Some are incapable of comprehending a life of freedom and feel they must be forever attached to another human to exist. In some instances where people find they are on their own due to illness or death or divorce it is painful and often heartbreaking because they don’t want a life on their own. They want to be connected to another person. Often these people scramble to find another person to bond with whether or not it’s a worthy bonding. I know some of these sad unions and I’m reminded of a great saying: it’s better to be alone than to wish you were.
And so at last we find ourselves at retirement. For the divorced/single person with a pension, retirement is pure heaven on earth. To think that I made it to this point in life where I can jump off my roof or hop on a plane to China or sell my house and live in a camper and travel the country or sleep all day, read all night, eat what I want, spend what I want when I want, start a business, write a book, work or not work, watch movies all day, drink coffee in the afternoon because I don’t have to get up at 6:00 a.m. the next morning, spend all day petting my dog, cook or not cook, vacuum or not vacuum, watch the birds in my bird bath, wear my pajamas all day, plant flower seeds, sit on my patio swing with a glass of wine on a summer afternoon and watch the aforementioned seeds grow, practice the piano, learn a language(s), hop in the car for no reason and take a drive, or do absolutely nothing at all, it is an amazing time of life.
I find I keep very busy and every day is filled with people I want to see, things I want to do, and creative things I longed to do my entire life but never had the time. Not once prior to retirement did I ever wonder what I would do with my time. And I have an amazing plan for my future. When I turn 90 I’m going to slow down a little and begin drinking lots of Margaritas, eat large amounts of chocolate, and resume smoking, which I have missed every single day of my life for 35 years as of this writing. I can hardly wait.
O, blest retirement!
Friend to life's decline -
How blest is he who crowns,
in shades like these,
a youth of labor with an age of ease!
~Oliver Goldsmith
[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.]
www.sharonstrawhandgarner.com
