Mom, at 86, is still living on her own, marginally. My stepdad is in a nursing home. They live about an hour from me and I drive north once or twice a week (or more sometimes) to visit, run a few errands, help with whatever she needs in the house, and we discuss her bookkeeping which I handle mostly from my home. She has a helper who also stops by a couple times of week who does light housekeeping, errands, and provides companionship for four hours each visit. Though mom’s various health and mental issues are increasing, mom insists on staying in her house. She has more confidence in her abilities than I do.
I don’t blame folks for wanting to stay in their homes but inevitably there seems to come a time when that doesn’t work for them---or their families. They often do not realize how far they have fallen. I believe that’s where we are now but mom just doesn’t agree. She knows she’s limited and in fact no longer leaves her home unless it’s to visit the doctor and I take her to all her appointments. If she has an urgent but nonemergency need she calls her helper. She also has wonderful neighbors. But I became increasingly more worried about her declining health and whether or not she would be able to summon help in an emergency and felt it was time for something else.
I spent several days researching medical alert systems. I called friends with similar parent issues. I discussed the systems with my mom. She didn’t argue the need but I could tell she didn’t feel it was necessary. Prior to researching systems my stepsister and her husband and I had a long talk with mom and urged her to move in with me. She wouldn’t budge.
I finally found a system that worked well for mom and that was within her budget. Set up was very easy and she understands how it works. The system does not only protect her in the event of a health emergency but is also a fire alarm, burglar alarm, or any type of emergency she may have. She knows it’s for all emergencies. If she remembers.
Each time I visit her I ask to see her emergency button which she keeps concealed in her clothing. For some reason she refuses to wear it outside like a necklace. I am afraid if she falls on her chest she will not be able to pull it from inside her clothes. She refuses to wear it outside because she says it isn’t attractive.
Sometimes when I ask to see the button she looks at me and I can tell she doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Once it sinks in she pulls it out then we have about a 30 minute discussion of its uses and review what she needs to do if she has any emergencies. Sometimes I have faith she “gets” it and other times I drive home in a blue funk.
A friend of mine has a mom in the same situation. She’s 93 and still lives on her own and refuses to move in with family. Again, I don’t blame her but we all worry about our parents living on their own when they have mental and physical limitations. She now has a medical alarm system which provides a little peace of mind for my friend and her family.
Many seniors do not eat properly because meal preparation is difficult. I cook for mom and so does her helper but I find the meals I’ve prepared in the fridge all the time---uneaten. When I ask why she doesn’t eat them she says she does. The trash can tells a different story. Mostly she survives on cheese and crackers, breakfast pastries, coffee and wine. I believe it’s because she doesn’t want to take the few minutes necessary to place a meal in the microwave. We’ve tried to make it as easy as possible but even that simple procedure is unappealing to her. When I visit I buy a special lunch treat for us. Recently after eating our lunch she asked me when I was going to get our meal. We had eaten only an hour before. Her doctor was stunned at her weight gain on our last visit. She confessed she eats crackers and cheese and pastries. He shot me a look. It’s my fault?
Her care providers all think I should move in with her. Abandon my life and store all my belongings and sell or rent out my house. I have explained that it would be better for her to come and live with me since I live an active life. But they make me feel that’s a selfish concept. After all, I’m not married. They would never ask this of a married couple but single people are considered less than whole without a mate and therefore apparently our lives are less important. Guilt piled upon guilt.
The medical alert system will work if she has an emergency but it can’t cook her a meal. It can’t remind her to take her medications which she forgets all the time now. It can’t encourage her to do her daily exercises to treat her lung condition. It can’t help her find things that she misplaces all day every day (and calls me and asks if I know where they are). It can’t visit with her. If she has an emergency it will help her---if she remembers it or can access it. Still, I’m glad I set it up for her and all the rest just sits in a cloud over my head and I jump when the phone rings. The system operators will call me once it’s activated after they contact the appropriate help for her emergency.
I do feel better knowing she has the system and I call her every day and remind her about it---and her meds. I don’t know how kids with failing parents manage when they live hundreds of miles away. I’ve made many 80 mile-per-hour dashes north when things have gone wrong. I guess other kids hop on planes or trains. I guess there’s no easy solution for caring for a parent but there are things that can help. A medical alert system has helped me a little though it’s not cheap. There are many other things that would help but they are outside our budget. Having a helper visit twice a week and the alert system are both tight budget items.
Yet I have come to realize that all I can do is offer my help and I put handles in the bathroom and a special bathing chair in the tub and a handle on the small step that leads to her family room and purchased a transport style wheelchair for trips to the doctor and a small walker (which she never uses) and the medical alert system and found a stool so she can sit by the sink when preparing food (the aforementioned crackers and cheese and pastries) and call her every day, and sometimes a couple of times if I think she’s “foggy” I make an extra trip north if I think the fog isn’t lifting and keep in contact with neighbors and her helper and leave my phone on 24/7.
I don’t have to worry about mom reading this because she no longer remembers how to turn on her computer. When I turn it on for her she doesn’t remember any of the steps required to read her email or look at the news or read my blogs. But even if she did read this blog she would agree with what I’ve written. We discuss her “issues” each visit so this piece would not surprise nor offend her. But I’m not worried because the last time I was there her computer hadn’t been plugged in and the battery was dead. I just left it that way to see if she would call and ask me what was wrong with it. No call yet.
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