I’ve hit an interesting age. In my group of friends and family many of us are caring for our aging ill spouses, our parents, our adult children and even our grandchildren. In a couple of cases all of them at once. We are, apparently, the generation that does it all.
Baby boomers, and those slightly before and slightly after, are experiencing retirement differently than many retirees before us. Our parents married young because of WWII and had children right away---us! Because they were so young when they married many of us are fortunate to still have our parents with us today. My mom is only 20 years older than I am and for the most part until the last few years she enjoyed relatively good health. We used to go on short trips, out to lunch and dinner, and generally scooted around over a large area of California. I was in denial about the length of time we would be able to do that and now we’ve hit the wall. Except for doctors’ appointments she is now housebound though still living on her own.
Several years ago my stepdad had a stroke resulting in permanent residence in a nursing facility. We were fortunate to find one managed by caring people and he resides there to this day. He does not have the use of one entire side of his body and his mental condition is poor but he is usually cheerful and happy to see us. Sometimes he calls us by the wrong names and he doesn’t understand exactly what is going on in his life but he has genuine moments of what we like to believe is happiness. Especially when we visit. Sometimes his hilarious sense of humor comes out and he hits comments pertinent to the conversation perfectly with one of his great zingers. But we just learned he has “taken a turn” and is no longer eating. He now weighs about 114 pounds and we are talking to the facility managers about the next steps in his life and his care.
Prior to mom’s declining health she visited him every single day. She would get up, have her coffee and read the paper, then head to the nursing home, spend the middle of the day with him, then come home and start all over the next day. The only times she didn’t visit was if she had a cold or the flu. Sadly, she came down with a debilitating lung disease and we were told she would slowly succumb to it and would notice a reduction in her ability to perform normal activities in a matter of months.
At first we didn’t notice the difference but it’s been over four years now and she has finally come to this point of being housebound and unable to go anywhere or do anything. We purchased a wheelchair for her visits to the doctor because she cannot walk from the car to the office. We hired a helper who comes twice a week for about four hours each day to do light house work and errands and a little cooking and whatever mom might need. I live in another town about an hour away but visit once a week and do whatever I can to help her out and just to visit and check up on her and my stepsiblings do likewise. We haven’t visited my stepdad in quite a while because I can’t convince her to dress and take a ride. Fortunately, my stepsiblings visit their dad and often stop by to see mom. None of us live in the same town so it isn’t easy to get to her town and visit more often than we do. We, the children, are still maintaining busy lives in separate towns far away from the folks.
I have a friend who is taking care of her bedridden husband and her mother who is 86 and her son who is in his late 30s, all living in her home. Though her husband could be in a rest home, and many have suggested that would be best, she refuses to do that and takes care of him herself with little assistance. She also takes care of her grandchildren occasionally and recently the family welcomed a great grandchild.
Other friends have grandchildren that they take care of every day and some have their adult children living with them for a variety of reasons. My daughter, 35, is living with me temporarily while she saves to buy a home. She believes, as do I, that this is the perfect time to buy a home because the prices have plummeted. In order to save a hefty down payment we both felt this was the ideal way for her to save that amount of money without shelling out rent. As well as saving for a home she is making double and triple payments on her car so that by the time she buys a home she won’t have a car payment. I’m divorced so it’s just the two of us in my tiny house---so far.
One friend had to move to another state and her children were upset with her because she couldn’t be there to help them anymore. It was important for her to move for many reasons including the fact that she owned a home in the other state which she purchased years ago for retirement. She’s almost at that point and decided to live there now and prepare for full retirement. Another friend recently lost her husband. He had been in poor health and over the last few years she had tremendous challenges as she watched her wonderful husband deteriorate and then finally pass away. He became ill almost at the time she retired. She took care of him by herself every single day. Another friend’s mom is 93 and still lives alone in her apartment hundreds of miles away. She has started having problems and now the family is discussing options for the immediate future. The family is spread out over hundreds of miles from one another and must fly to be with her whenever they can. There are many more members in my circle of family and friends with similar stories.
The point of all this is, it’s all about family. We do what we have to in order to keep everyone going. We are in the middle and juggling so many lives and issues that sometimes it can be overwhelming. Many cultures care for several layers of family and some traditionally live in the same community for generations. This then provides huge family support made up of parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles, and friends. We don’t see that as much in the U.S. though there are certainly some areas where these multiple generations live together in one city or town or large city neighborhoods. I suspect it’s a lot easier to care for aging ill parents and babysit grandchildren if everyone lives in the same town. Not so easy when we have to fly or drive long distances.
I’m an only child but have stepsiblings which is tremendous. We didn’t grow up together but met as young adults when our parents married and have always enjoyed the blending of our families. We had years and years of fun gatherings at our parents’ house and BBQs and picnics and my stepdad built a huge picnic table where we ate giant meals he prepared and we played cards and visited for hours and all the little kids ran around playing and squealing and making lots of noise and we always brought our dogs and we went to the lake and had more picnics and swimming and BBQs and my stepdad took the kids fishing and . . . well, it was wonderful and now it’s all just a sweet memory. Now we are trying very hard to keep my mom going and my stepdad isn’t doing well and our days are filled with thoughts of what’s to come for them. I’ve spent the last few days drawing diagrams of how I can arrange my house so that mom can come and live with me.
One day my kids will be contemplating what is to become of me. Wish I knew so I could help them. Because that’s what baby boomers do. We help everyone.
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