Many of us have experienced “loneliness” here and there throughout life. Many of us have also found ourselves “alone” for stretches of time. But being alone doesn’t mean we are lonely. Sometimes we can be lonely in the middle of a crowd or in the middle of our family and friends. Loneliness for many is not about the number of people surrounding us but rather the quality of the relationships within our circle of family and friends. It’s also our ability to be happy with ourselves---alone---for long periods of time. However, both situations are layered and complicated for seniors.
I remember driving my kids off to college and the car loaded with their belongings. It was fun getting them settled in and exploring their schools and communities. But eventually that special time ends and it’s time for parents to head home and our college students to get wild and crazy and make stupid mistakes. Ah, those were special times.
As I drove away I cried just about all the way home. My daughter went to school about four hours away and my son two hours. I looked like I had been kick boxing for days after returning home from both of those trips. And yet I was so happy they were beginning their adult lives.
I can’t say I felt loneliness when they went away. I missed them terribly because we are a closely bonded single-parent family of three but I wasn’t lonely. I had a full time job, family, friends, and pets. I also had lots of activities I participated in. I still miss them to this day but it’s different now. I’m happy for them and the lives they’ve made for themselves so I’m not longing for them. It’s the way it is supposed to be. We grow up and make our lives and leave our parents behind.
I never remarried and have lived on my own for many years. I love the time I have to do all the things I want to do just for me and I’m used to this lifestyle. The problem comes for some when they have spent years with a mate and then lose that special person. That occurs often now in my circle of seniors. I was divorced at a young age and therefore had many years to learn how to be on my own without someone else and I’ve arrived at my senior years with a fully developed independent life. Not so for many of my family members and friends.
My stepdad suffered a stroke several years ago and must live in a skilled nursing facility for round the clock medical attention. My mom is 86 and home alone. I’ve invited her to come and live with me but she wants to stay in her own home for as long as possible. I understand her need to be home and to remain in the town where my stepdad lives in his nursing home, but I know she is lonely sometimes.
She didn’t have time alone as a younger woman to develop interests and habits that would take her to old age. She was part of a couple for most of her life and a daughter for the early years. She went from her childhood home directly to marriage. When my dad died I went home to stay with her for a couple of years then when I moved she met and married my stepdad. She spent very little time on her own until my stepdad’s stroke.
She coped with her situation fairly well when it happened and I retired three years earlier than planned so that we could do things together. We live in different towns about an hour apart and at first we met for lunch or dinner, she came and stayed with me and I went north and stayed with her, and we took little trips to visit relatives and so forth. But each time I dropped her back at her house I felt bad because she seemed sad. All of her friends were married and traveled and many family and friends were passing away which diminished her social network.
Shortly before I retired she was diagnosed with a lung disease. This kept her out of her already limited social loop and all too soon we were no longer able to take the little trips. It became increasingly more difficult for her to go out to lunch or to come and stay with me. Now she stays at home 24 hours a day except for frequent visits to several doctors.
I took some time and did research on seniors living on their own after long marriages and discovered that indeed it is more difficult for them to be alone without being lonely. If they become ill they often become even more isolated due to health restrictions and can no longer participate in even the simplest social activities. Many who may have become attached to a senior center in their community eventually can no longer visit for recreation.
Adult children of these folks are often seniors themselves but try to include their ailing parents in family activities as much as possible but it often becomes impossible to keep up the effort for a variety of reasons. Distance is often a factor in how much time a senior can give to their even more senior parent. And so we have thousands of seniors tucked away inside homes and apartments who are completely alone---and lonely.
Several articles I read online suggested to younger readers that they must develop strong individual lives apart from their spouses. During the years before we find ourselves alone it’s up to us to become independent and fulfilled by our own interests. We must pursue hobbies that can carry us to old age, select some activities that are fitness related and others that promote mental challenges. Meeting frequently on a social level but separately from spouses with groups of friends and maintaining those relationships is important.
It was found that of the seniors who visited senior centers regularly and maintained long time friendships managed alone time much more comfortably. It was also thought these people may have a higher quality of life and may not develop certain illnesses known to hit seniors or if they did become ill the illness was more manageable because the person had lived a strong personal lifestyle. Sports, hobbies, religious activities, and educational pursuits were named as the most promising ways to avoid loneliness even in octogenarians and beyond. But preferably if they started these lifestyle choices early. In fact, the earlier the better.
I’m fortunate that I find way too many things to keep me occupied each day and never have time to feel lonely. When I sit on my little patio swing sipping coffee I feel content and happy with the life I’ve made for myself. Sometimes I bring a logic puzzle outside and work on it while sipping, other times I bring my laptop out there and surf the net. When I have an opportunity to meet with family or friends it’s a treat but not a necessity. I like my alone time and I’m never lonely. I’m a click away from family and friends and my cell phone is always with me.
Most quality of life issues are up to us. We have to dig in and make life interesting for ourselves so that when we reach our “golden” years they are truly golden. Or at the very least, gold plated!
[Pets help too for those able to properly manage a pet.]
[No part of this content may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author. Blog series began in March 2009.]
